It's a New Year.

A lot of things have changed rapidly since the last post,
I think it's finally time for you to do some catching up.
Let's work our way up shall we?

I feel myself drifting further and further away from my "best friend",
I don't know what it is,
I honestly think she's just too caught up in her life now,
and to be completely honest I don't know how far this friendship is going to go.
I'm use to losing people in my life,
as sad as that sounds.
it doesn't bother me as much as I thought.
I don't even talk about it,
that's probably because the apathy is just eating itself whole.

My birthday is in a couple of days,
I'm finally turing the big 2-0.
Yes, I am a baby.
Among all my friends, I am the youngest
and it's strange to actually say I'm finally 20 when I feel like I've been 20 for three years now.

I am no longer in any kind of a relationship with Junior,
I don't even know if we can call our relationship a friendship either.
He wasn't my friend to start out with anyways.
To be honest,
I miss him a lot.
I miss laughing with him
and i really miss the fact that when I'm with him I feel like nothing in this world can touch me.
I don't even know how many times I've hinted to him,
how many times I've just wanted him to know that I do want this to work.
I don't think he gets the hints,
nor do I think this is ever going to work out.
Our timing is all wrong,
but then again,
my timing is always wrong.

cuddle.

Junior came over last night,
he brought over Iron Man 2 and vegan cupcakes from Natives which he knows I have a certain weak spot for.
we sat in my bed,
cuddled,
watched Iron Man 2 and Away We Go,
drank tea,
and ate cupcakes.
it was mellow and i loved it.

since the night before i slept at 3 in the morning,
and i had to wake up fairly early.
i knocked out in his arms half way through Away We Go,
i don't think he had the heart to wake me up in the middle of the night.
early in the morning though,
he tried really hard to be quiet but my bed is really squeaky so it's kind of hard.
i woke up and he told me to go back to sleep, he just had to leave cause he had to go home and get ready for work,
it was cute,
i felt like we were actually together.
just like that he was gone,
i miss him...
i don't want to miss him though,
but i really do. :[

chemistry.

i went on a 'date' yesterday with the younger guy and i have to say,
it was... different.
i've never been a date where i've had to drive the both of us,
nor have i ever been on a date where a guy touches my hair a lot.
he was very sweet and gentlemanly though;
opened doors,
told me how cute i was time after time,
got to know each other a lot,
but honestly...
the chemistry wasn't there.
i couldn't feel that spark,
and i definitely don't want to lead him on cause he's so nice.
i just need to find a way to let him down gently...

after the date,
went to the dollar theater in La Mirada and had a ball with Rhiannon.
The Town was super good,
and we stayed in my car where she listened to me rant till 2:30 in the morning.
i have so much love for that girl.

up until tonight,
i haven't spoken to Junior for a little bit more than a week.
i know i've said in the past that the chemistry between us wasn't all that strong but it's really grown,
he's my big teddy bear.

after the car accident,
i felt like things were really weird between us,
other than the fact that i didn't want to go see him because i felt like i was repeating history,
something was just off and i realized i was giving him the impression that i didn't enjoy his company.
i really do,
honest.
he's the most modest and sweet loving guy ever,
i know if he saw an old granny struggling to cross the street,
he'd probably run over and help her.
he's older than me which is a plus,
and taller,
and the fact that he can make me feel so damn comfortable is always a plus too.
he makes me smile,
not in a cheesy way but just really getting to know me and remembering little things about me.
he's coming over right now as I type,
we're having a movie date at my place and we're going to catch up on old times.
i sorta can't wait.

last thing i want to mention is the whole band guy thing...
Nick and Rhiannon made a lot of sense,
i really don't have a lot to lose except for the fact that they'll all think i'm weird and off,
but other than that i really don't have that much to lose.
other than that,
i don't really want to go into detail about it.

let's just say,
i just really want to fall in love with the right person.

is it silly?

i'm starting fresh again,
just like i did two years ago.
i need to leave all the baggage behind
and though i'm still not sure where i'm going i feel better than i did a week ago.

what i really want to talk about is kind of silly to be honest.
really silly.
i think i'm finally ready for that relationship that i've been wanting for a while,
but when the opportunity presents itself, right in front of me i push it away.
i have this really weird thing where i'm crushing on a guy that probably doesn't even know i exist,
as sad as that sounds,
i'm not going to sugarcoat it.

He's in a band, typical, but he's local and I've seen him a couple of times
live and well, i've bumped into him a couple of times too but that was a while back and i really didn't care much for him back then.
it was only recently when i saw a video of him singing, that's when the crushing commenced,
needless to say,
i'm a sucker for passion and he's got it, a lot of it.
well, i know it's completely silly and i'll probably never even come close to being his friend but hey, a girl can dream right?

the worst has yet to come,
there's this guy.
he's really sweet and he makes me smile like no other,
he brightens up my day and shows me all these bands he thinks I might like,
and texts me cute little things throughout the day.
my problem is one, he's a year younger than me and i don't dig younger guys at all,
second is, that guy i told you earlier about? the band guy?
well, let's just say,
i'm leaving my options open.
Gosh,
i'm a dunce i know!
i'm holding myself back for a guy who doesn't know i exist but if only he knows me,
maybe just maybe he might actually like me too?
*sigh*

if you don't want to hear the truth,
don't tell me your problems.

zero.

i'm getting so sick of the routine.
i go to school,
take cat naps,
eat,
jog,
write,
watch Bones, Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Son's of Anarchy (when they're on),
sleep,
and repeat.
there's no emotion in anything I do anymore.
Sometimes when I'm lucky,
I'll get excited for my shows,
but other than that...
Emotions are a second rate thing in my life.

i feel just as bad as when I was on prozac,
and that really bugs me.

i found the urge to have a boy in my life,
someone to call my boyfriend.
it's weird cause for the last two and a half almost three years,
i've repelled and pushed it out of my mind,
no matter how lonely I got.
I guess it just caught up to me.

Veteran's Day

First off,
I want to thank all the Vet's who's risked their lives to keep us save,
you all have a special place in my heart for being so selfless.

I've been feeling this sense of familiar depression lately,
I might be sick again.
The uncontrollable tremor in my hands are back,
and my minds been racing a lot more than it has in a while.
The kinship I have with my demons are in full fledge,
the familiar manic bipolar mood swings,
my need to accomplish things before it's too late,
and the value I hold for life has been haunting me...
I'm scared to be honest,
I don't know what to do exactly,
I don't want to go see the doctor.
The medications only make it worst,
and I don't want to tell my family or friends,
that's really not going to help me.
I just really need to find a way out,
even for just a couple of hours a day.

I went to the barbecue like the boys wanted me to,
I just didn't know there would be so many...
familiar unwanted faces there.
Craig being there was no surprised,
I braced myself for that.
But then Ian showed up and then Bridget and Spence.
I don't know how it happened,
I really don't...
But Spence and Craig got into an argument,
Ian seemed to be really close to Spence,
Bridget stood there with her huge ass belly and taunted me with her smirks,
and I just didn't know what to do.
Everything was just so damn overwhelming and everything seemed to spin out of control for me...

I had to get out of there,
I needed to keep my sanity.
I took the two hour drive to sing at the top of my lungs,
to clear my head,
to get rid of the disappointments I had in life.
I ended up driving around before deciding that I needed a movie,
a pick-me-up.
I drove to the dollar theater,
bought a ticket for one to watch Toy Story 3.
I laughed,
I teared up,
I realized that my childhood had definitely come to an end
and then drove home.
I honestly liked going to the movies alone,
though I wish there wasn't anyone there to talk and shuffle during my movie,
I was content.

Hopefully I can cross off one more thing tomorrow,
I'm hoping to cross off "do a random deed"
that'll probably be fulfilling.

romancin'

my roommate was a cute little ginger,
she was sweet,
but she also had a fiery side.
i called her Tess and she called me Winnifred,
it felt like we were best friends.
we even had matching mustache tattoos embedded on the side of our middle fingers.

we were sheltered from the vegas heat,
inside of our hotel suite looking over the strip.
we were here for business,
some kind of sorority convention.

i looked in the mirror,
i looked different.
my hair was longer, yet it was still the same shade of light brown,
my left arm was covered in colorful tattoos and the word live was tattooed onto my right wrist.
i felt pretty.

there was a knock on the door,
a shaggy blond with big soft green eyes looked at me with a big smile on his face.
he knew me, he knew me well.
i knew him,
i called him Tucker,
he was a swimmer and a frat boy.
he was different though,
he didn't act like the obnoxious frat guys i knew.
he was sweet, he was ambitious, and he loved me just the way i was.

i shivered when his cold lip ring touched my warm lips,
he smiled into the kiss.
a little seven year old boy with the same grin as his showed up from behind him.
they both shared the same big eyes, except his was bright blue and full of wonder.
other than little man, I called him Alex.
he adored me.

from what i remembered,
Tucker chased me down the hall as i chased after Alex with fits of giggles.
i was happy.
when he caught me,
he stared at me so full of love with those green eyes,
i couldn't help but fall in love with him.

i wanted to know more about him,
but instead,
i woke up.

i wish you were real.

i realized that dream was what i felt like i missed out on.
going to san diego,
joining a sorority,
meeting the guy of my dreams,
not being close to my family,
the different life i might of had if i had chosen that road.
none of this might be true,
but at least i got a little glimpse of what it could have been.

mixed feelings.

I have to say,
I do a pretty impressive job of alienating people.
I was born a runner, (not literally)
when something doesn't feel right,
I run the other direction.
Lately, people-
to be more specific my 'friends' just don't feel right...

Ever since my best friend got with her boyfriend,
I feel less and less closer to her.
I don't know what it is,
but it just doesn't feel right anymore.
I want to give her space to spend time with her boyfriend,
but the more I give her space.
The more we drift away.
I've noticed that, that happens too often.
We were suppose to go to dinner tonight,
but you bailed cause you said you had to do someone's homework for the whole night.
Then on your twitter you post your spontaneous night,
it just makes me wonder...
what happened to the homework?

Can't people be like Kristen and Jonny?
I could totally get close with couples like them,
they literally don't act like they're together,
though you know they're madly in love with one another.
They never make you feel uncomfortable,
and there's never a quiet moment where an awkward moment could slip in.
I miss you guys sooo much!
Leave Florida and come back to California?
Cause I'm going a little insane here,
I need to surround myself with good company.

I try not to hang out with these boys.
they're great guys,
and they're the kind of boys I can call my own.
Though,
I push them away because I don't want to make it any harder for him or the others.

Don't you see my dilemma with all these people?

I feel a relapse coming,
I have an ace bottle of whiskey and a bottle of vodka in the freezer,
tempting beer, and chasers.
this would be easy.
Right now...
I just need some self control,
I just can't let my emotions take over.
I'm suppose to be a changed person.

carnival swing.

When I was a kid,
I remember whenever my parents took us to the carnival or a fair I would be the first one on this ride.
I loved the freedom and how I could see everything from up high,
I had not one worry in this world.
I long for that feeling now...

As I inevitably grow older each and every year,
I find myself fearing a lot more than I use to.
I guess having knowledge just means paranoia
and worry.

I don't worry so much about myself,
no.
I worry about things that I have no control over...

I fret about my parents a lot,
I worry about their safety,
I worry about them growing old,
I worry about losing them.
I feel like I just started knowing them,
losing them would destroy me.

I find myself exerting a lot of energy on my siblings more than I do myself,
I want them to grow up to be good people,
to protect them from the bad.
I want to help them succeed,
I want to believe that we'll only grow closer as we grow older,
and that they will need me as much as I need them.

Though, not as often do I get worked up over my friends as much as my family,
I find myself caring a little too much.
Ironically, I'm usually the youngest,
but I find myself playing the motherly role,
not because I want to but because that's just my nature.
I was forced to grow up and mature faster than all my peers,
I was taught that with one wrong move you can lose everything,
making one mistake can cause you to be thrusted into a spiraling chaos of a world.
I want to prevent them from going through that,
because I know how hard it could be.
I'm not the type of person to stand by and watch a person fall,
it's just not me.

Lastly,
I stress about my future.
I don't know what it holds,
I don't know whether or not I'll be happy or in pure agony.
I'm not even sure if I could find my place in this world,
to be truly happy...
I worry.

Some days are tolerable with all of these thoughts running through my mind,
other days I wish I could just stay in bed and let the world pass me by.
I wish I was young again,
so I can go back to the days where I could feel the wind in my hair, the freedom on those swings, and have the worries lifted off my shoulders.

growing up.

growing up is about letting things go,
growing up for me is about being a better person.
tonight was about growing up...

no matter how much i didn't want to be at this party tonight,
i went.
because i didn't want to give myself an excuse to miss my best friend's birthday party.
i have to admit,
i was miserable.
my best friend was off with her new beau doing their own thing,
my other friend was trying to get her buzz on,
i was stuck in many awkward situations,
and the worse part...
i couldn't get what i needed to say to you out of my chest.

when we finally decided to face these demons,
we fought.
we fought like we were already together,
then all of a sudden,
we just dropped it and you made me smile again...
i don't know how you do it,
but i'm glad you do.

then there's that SOB,
i know i said i'm done a whole lot of times,
but i'm serious this time.
i'm done.
i'm done.
i don't care about you anymore.
fuck you.
i'm over it.

i have a big heart with an empty stomach,
a void in my chest big enough to fill a room with darkness.
i can't seem to get my mind clear enough,
i can't seem to breathe without it being caught in my throat.
it's not enough to be a good person.
i just don't seem to understand this equation,
it just doesn't add up.

sometimes... i just want to feel complete.
i just want to let go of these insecurities.

for you i'd forget everything, for you i write this melody.

Honestly, this feels right.
You know, you and me.
We feel right.
But to be honest,
I'm scared again.
I know you told me it's okay to be scared,
that it's normal.
But I am SCARED and it doesn't feel normal.
I know you can be that guy,
that guy that stands in the back of the show with me wrapping your arms around me,
or even that guy in the pit looking after me.
I know you're a sweet sweet man,
with all the right intentions.
And I know you want to hate certain things and people in this world that caused me to be this way,
so broken,
but the truth is, this is all I know.
I know that's what I need right now,
someone like you to take the hurt away,
maybe for even just a little while.
But I don't know if I can be the girl you need,
I don't know if I could be selfless enough to be apart of someone's life that way right now.
I'm sorry.

it's about that time again...

I want to fall head over fucking heels in love,
I really want to be able to do that and have that person feel the same way.
I want us to be strong enough to be vulnerable together,
to take the world on one day at a time with each other.
I want him to embrace all my flaws and still love me with all his heart,
and know that when I say 'I'm okay,' I'm really not.
I want him to never lie to me,
even if it's for my own good.
I want him to be faithful to me,
and never hurt me.
I want him to make me laugh,
on the days that I'm too weak to.
I want to know that I'm worth dying for,
but I don't want him to die for me though,
because I wouldn't want to live one day without him.
Is this too fairytale?

the weight.

I feel myself crumbling under the pressure.
maybe it's just a bad day,
maybe it's because my mensural cycle is about to hit,
or maybe it's because it's Friday the 13th,
but whatever it is, today's a God awful day for me.
Usually I do this so well,
I'm able to hide any sign of this pressure on my shoulders,
I'm able to not burst out with emotion and keep on trudging through the turbulence.

I know I shouldn't be like this,
I know I should be stronger,
but the truth is,
no matter how great I feel,
this weakness,
this pressure...
never goes away.

I'm glad I can help people when they need it,
I'm glad that sometimes people need me to help them,
but sometimes I wish I had someone to help me.
HELP.

sorry mom for snapping at you, under the pressure.
i just wanted to make you proud.

my 100 post is still about you.

I debated in that phone call,
the last goodbye phone call the other night,
whether or not I should tell you how I really feel...
Obviously I didn't cause if I did,
maybe, just maybe, things might be different right now.
All last night,
their were a lot of good looking guys,
guys that I didn't even attempt to talk to.
To be truthful,
all that was running through my mind was you.
I was wondering if you were really happy
or if you were just lying to me so I could move on.
I was wondering if I did the right thing,
not telling you how I truly feel,
not telling you I really love you
and that you're making one of the biggest mistakes of your life.
I wondered if it felt right when you called her your fiance,
when you held her hand,
when you tell her you love her.

Every day I tell myself to move on,
just like everyone else.
"move on, he's not worth your time or energy."
Trust me,
I try very hard to push you out of my mind,
to move on.
But truth be told,
I just can't or maybe I'm not letting myself.
I feel myself pushing every guy I'm remotely attracted to away,
I feel myself trying less and less to be out there.
I should be going out with Craig and his friends,
I should get excited when my friend tells me the guy we were talking to last night was paying attention to me,
but I'm not.
I'm not saying this is your fault or this is you by any means,
this is all me.

I need to move on from you,
I know,
but at the same time I'm lingering onto the thought about you.
How do I fill that void without you?

the end of this chapter... finally.

We've been at it for roughly three years now...
We've loved, we've lost, and now we're moving on.
I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself,
I didn't let myself cry when I spoke to you last night,
at least the last memory of me isn't a sad one.
Surprisingly, when I got off of the phone with you I didn't have the urge to drink or smoke myself to death,
I stuck it out and instead cried myself to sleep.
I guess this really is the end,
I wish from the bottom of my heart that you're truly happy,
that you'll live your life with no regrets.

Now, to Craigery.
My dear, dear, dear friend...
Thank you so much for being their for me,
for being my sober buddy, for listening to me rant, for comforting me when I cry.
I miss you already and it hasn't even been more than a few hours since we've seen each other.
You got me through once again,
another hard time.
To be honest,
I've crushed on you for a couple of months already.
Though I know you only see me as a little sister,
I can't help but feel a little bit more for you.
I don't see this going anywhere,
soon you'll go back to middle of nowhere Utah and I'll be content alone again.
I do have to note though,
when you told me you regret losing your virginity to a girl you might not possibly love...
I had so many emotions running through me;
happiness, disappointment, sadness, ect., ect., ect.
Happy because I'm selfish and I'm glad you realized she was the wrong one,
Disappointment because I thought you were better than that,
and
Sadness because I know you're genuinely upset about it and it really means a lot to you.

Craig,
you're one in a million.
Never change.
I know in the future you're going to make one lucky lady one very very very happy girl.

late night talks.

i like to think of myself as an ambitious person,
i try to reach for the stars sometimes and that could be a bad thing...
but this time around i'd say it's on my side,
i'm determined this time around,
and i'm going to lose the weight.

I'm going to give myself a year and half
to reach my goal.
which means losing A LOT of weight,
becoming healthy,
and lastly getting a great outline of a six pack.

i've been eating one meal a day,
working out for the past three.
lost five pounds,
and i'm extremely proud.
i think i'm crazy enough to go running again tomorrow,
and I HATE running and i'm extremely sore.
for some weird reason i'm just motivated,
i hope i turn into a work out junkie.
that'd help a lot,
and i don't mind not dreading working out.

for you.

friends.
it's sad when old friends become non-exsistant,
we turn our cheek and look the other way.
i sometimes look back at the times we had,
and say what the hell happened?
we seemed happy,
we seemed close,
but was it all a lie?
i don't know.
i'm tired of being the only one trying,
i'm tired of pulling all the weight.
i'm not going to waste my time on an one ended friendship.
so thanks for the memories,
and thanks for the good times.
i guess i'm just trying to say...
i don't give a fuck anymore,
i tired.

this is how my heart behaves.

As I sit here listening to Feist,
I'm reminded of last night.
I still can't believe we spent all day together yesterday,
and what's more bizarre is the fact that it felt right.

spending time with your mom was great,
as always.
she has some of the best advice I've ever received
and once again;
thank you, thank you, thank you, for the spa day.
even though your mom booked us in the same room,
that called for some awkwardness but at least we got to talk right?

tell your baby brother i said happy birthday,
and give him a big kiss for me.
WHOO for turning 12!

i'm actually really glad that we spent time the night talking,
talking about everything that was on our minds.
everything that i needed to hear from you,
and everything to let the both of us move on.

i love ya.

trimph.

i'm not sure if i could say you have impeccable timing or not...
you always come in the moments of my life where i'm starting to move on,
and when everything stops reminding me of you.
it's funny how you teach me how to crush again whenever you enter my life,
crush on you,
crush on others,
crush on people i usually wouldn't.
For that i have to thank you,
because you often open my eyes.
i just wish you wouldn't make it this hard,
i feel like i'm holding myself back to wait for you sometimes...

with that,
i'm vowing to do something for myself this summer.
take as many pictures as possible,
try and get healthy,
adventure more,
get better at the guitar
surround myself with better people in my life,
find a group of guys who can actually hang,
and most importantly forget about you and move on.
we're better off that way.

ooh, boy.

now that we're talking again,
i miss you more and more,
i miss us again...
but i keep telling myself to forget about you.
it's contradicting and it's complicated,
and that's exactly how we like it.

i can't help but smile goofily to myself when i get your random texts,
and spending countless hours talking about bands,
but you and i both know that it won't work out,
and it's only going to end up in a train wreck like it always does.
you're always going to be that one guy that will always be in the back of my mind,
the only significance that really matters until i find the right guy...
no one can take that away from you.

i'm nervous to tell you the truth,
seeing you for the first time in a very very long time...
i'm looking forward to it though,
i'm looking forward to your tight bear hug,
your smile,
your smell,
and most of all, you.

hey, kiddo... you know i'll always be there for you.
ditto.

.

I just want to breathe,
like really breathe...
Without this ball stuck in my throat.
This feeling has stayed with me longer than any happiness in my life,
only when I completely let myself forget and give myself a chance to slow down my thoughts and put them on hold for a few blissful minutes, do I get the feeling of freedom...
the freedom to breathe.

What I'm trying to get at is stress...

I forgot this feeling of overwhelming stress,
not the type of stress where you're worrying over a grade or a crumbling friendship.
(Those I can cope with, without breaking into a million little pieces)
I'm talking about a stress that is beyond your control no matter how hard you try,
it's just something you have to endure.

These are the moments I feel extremely weak,
I thought last week was tough,
I thought what happened last week was was going to cause me to drink and smoke again,
but boy do I have it all wrong.
With elements like those of what happened last week,
and the combination of what I found out today I just don't know how I can possibly even take even the shallowest breath of air.
I feel like someone is sitting on my chest,
and I just can't push them off.
I want to leave because it'd be so much easier
but I've fallen too deeply in love with this place I call home to just abandon it.
I wish I could just roll with the punches,
I wish it wouldn't be so difficult,
I wish I could tell everyone reading this what is going on exactly.
But under so many circumstances,
none of those things are possible at the moment.

People take the slightest things for granted,
like freedom and rights.
If I learned anything from this,
it's to absolutely not take anything for granted.

breathing gets a hell of a lot harder when you're suffocating.

I guess I have a lot of explaining to do my dear journal,
this week (starting last friday) was not only stressing but a test of my strength.
Family has always been a big part of my life,
one of the biggest...
So when my family is in trouble,
it's a very stressing time.

To keep some privacy,
I guess I'll just say that these included people very close to me
and we're still not sure what's going on at this point.
my mother and i have been bickering about it, no, not just me... my father too.
it just justifies how crazy (literally), irrational, and dramatic my mother is.
not only is she not making the situation any better but it's making it much worst,
she thinks we're all against her,
not wanting to help or we don't care.
But she really doesn't know how much hell we're going through worrying,
and straining ourselves to make the situation better.

i don't know how to explaining how badly i would just love to go get a drink,
i have a 12 year old bottle of whiskey calling my name.
I haven't wanted to drink so badly in so long...
so bad that i can't control it.
i haven't wanted to smoke to calm my nerves this badly,
ever.
it would be so easy to just make a dash for it,
even for just a couple of days.
with a bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes,
and go back to the old days.

i don't know how strong i can be,
to be completely honest.
i haven't felt so alone in years...
i wish i still had you here,
where i could cry into your shoulders no questions asked,
no explaining to do.
someone here to tell me 'don't do it, it's not worth it.'
but you're gone now,
and i have no one.

we all have demons inside of us,
i feel my demons about to rip out of my chest.

i'm moving to canada.

realizations.

i noticed that most of my friends and i grew up as cynics...
we're constantly being told that things don't last,
like marriages.
why would i bring this glum subject up?
to make a long story short,
when a person we knew very little of showed up without his wife we immediately assumed that they got divorced.
turns out they're still very happily married,
in fact the reason why she wasn't there was because she was at home taking care of the baby.

the truth is,
many of us grew up with both of our parents married and still loving each other everyday...
(though my dad is in and out of my life i know my parents still have love for each other)
we don't realize what's in front of us sometimes,
instead we listen to what other people say,
what statistics say.
we see these examples in front of us and we automatically justify that it happens all the time,
"correlation doesn't mean causation."- Professor Knapp (my psych professor)
we have no faith in ourselves and our own relationships,
if we keep telling ourselves things won't work out,
it simply won't because we're not striving anymore.

what i'm trying to get at is,
this doesn't just happen in marriages,
i see this happening in every day life...
in my life.
i listen to what other people say,
i have all the statistics,
and i see all the people still chasing there dreams at 77 but getting nowhere.
i get scared and i start to fear my own dreams,
but i just want to tell myself.
don't be scared,
cause i bet those 77 year olds are happier than all the other sell outs who were scared of there own dreams.

holy cow.

even though Kristen's half way across the country,
when she saw this picture online she sent it my way and said he reminded her of me.
i miss ya a whole lot Kristen,
&& if you see this boy on the streets of Florida send him my way.
I could use an adorable, tatted up boy in my life.

I finally gave in and got a tumbl-r but not to worry my wonderful blogspot,
you are my journal, my thoughts on life, my rants.
kind of like a best friend,
and tumblr is not.
merely just a place i go to, to take up time when i don't want to talk about things going on in my life,
but really it's a place i dedicate to music and photography (or a lack of photography actually as of right now).
so if you're interested in music...
please head on over to:


there were a lot more i wanted to talk about,
but i guess that's it for now...
since my degrading memory is being no help to me,
so i'll leave you with have a wonderful day.

magical things might just happen.

things are looking up today,
i felt alright in the morning.
a lot of people tried engaging in a conversation with me,
when i'm half awake in class but it helped cause somehow it lifted my spirits.
after that,
i get a phone call from Craig and he tells me there's some good news about Adam.
i think my exact reaction was jumping up and saying, "NO FUCKING WAY?"
he said he talked to some people who heard he was staying at a friends place in Arizona,
i called Spence and he's pretty much on it like a blood hound.
so i'm crossing my fingers for some more good news?
hopefully?
then in my history 1A class i had a nice music talk with my professor,
it felt good.

but then, it felt too good.
my day was just going way too smoothly,
and as we all know it, life just loves throwing curveballs.
my friend calls me and tells me two days before we head on up to Vegas to go see Arctic Monkeys that he can't go anymore,
due to a family event he has to attend.
so i tried to find some other friends to come up with me,
but turns out everyone is either going to work on Friday or they're going to Coachella.
Now, i don't know what to do...
But optimistic thinking right?
yeah... i'm trying...
i have to tell you,
i'm not much good at it.
but i'm taking it out for a test drive,
to see if this whole thing works.
i hope it does cause it sure beats that dark cloud over my head all the time.

music, friends, and annoyances.

you're still not back,
and we're still not resting.
just know that we won't have one peaceful night of sleep,
without you here.

Long Beach yesterday was exactly what I needed,
our own AA-like meeting.
I haven't seen these guys in a very long while,
and it was refreshing talking about our demons over coffee like it didn't bother us anymore.
i miss the feeling of being the little girl in the group,
i miss not having to be the responsible one,
i miss these big brothers of mine who always had a way of making me feel better,
and i just miss having a good time while i'm sober.

in the middle of our jam session,
Craig brought up something we all agreed on.
we should just keep our mouths shut on good music,
we don't know how many times we got screwed by telling people about music we love!
they go telling there other friends and somehow they either ruin it,
or the band blows up and they start sucking!
it's a tragedy,
and a major let down when i see these groupies at the show standing there not even knowing the words or knowing all the words because they stayed up memorizing it so they can play it off as a real fan,
and the only reason they have, to listen to the band is because the dudes in it are "Hot".
it makes me want to puke all over there slutty outfits.
i remember when we use to go to shows and we'd see all these girls with make-up and there fucking purses and we'd just be like... "are you fucking kidding me? This is not a beauty pageant, we're at a fucking show. your hair and make-up will get fucked up and nothing is going to hide that face of yours then. Oh, and those purses? yeah, you're just asking to be robbed." It's ridiculous!
hey, do us all a favor!
go back to your radio station rock and hip hop and leave our shit the fuck alone.

i'm so heated about this,
i completely forgot what I was going to say about my next topic...
maybe i'll remember it again after i cool down from this one,
but until then i guess that's it.

And to my 'AA' buddies,
i'll see you soon again,
this time not months apart and we'll hang out more in the OC area again,
i promise.

same shit, different day.

Nothing good comes out of a phone call from my ex,
well that's how it seems lately.
it's either we argue or we worry,
This time around, it's struck a vein in my heart.
Every time I he calls,
I wonder if they found Adam or if he's okay.
To receive that call from him telling me that nothing's change, they 'still can't find him' crushes me.

After that,
I couldn't stick around any longer for my friend's going away party.
I gave him one last tight squeeze,
and said my goodbye's before making a quick getaway.
As I walked through that door,
I felt like I was in The Hills or something,
like some sad soft rock song was going to play as the episode ended.

I took the long way home,
fighting back tears as Midwestern Dirt from Dear & the Headlights came on shuffle.
There's no significant meaning, just the fact that it's a sad song to me that apparently matched my mood...
I couldn't help it anymore,
I let it out by the time I got to my driveway.
I was angry and devastated at the same time.

Angry because,
Adam reminded me of my dad and all the other men in my life who meant a lot to me,
they leave me...
then they come back expecting me to pretend nothing is wrong.
but sometimes i wish some of them would actually come back.
I was angry because many of my other friends were smoking pot in the back,
drinking,
it was killing me on the inside,
but i didn't say a word.
But I wasn't going to ruin it for everyone,
besides they didn't know a thing i am going through.
i was pissed off because i didn't want the last time i was going to see Anthony for months to be like this,
for everyone to be fucked up.
that's not what i wanted,
that's why i got away from the scene so i could be around sober people.
but what can i do?
there minds were set.

Devastation,
for all the reasons above.
I realized that no matter what,
whenever someone does something shitty (especially men) I'll relate those things with my father.
Every time someone I know and love drinks or does drugs it'll always take a small part of me,
like someone's tugging at my heartstrings telling me to stop them cause I don't want them in the same gutter as all the other people I use to love and care about, who are all gone now.
Lastly, I wanted all of us to be together,
sober, eating, laughing, hanging out, taking pictures together for this thing.
it's finally happening,
he's really leaving.
but that's not the real reason why we're all here,
we're here to drink,
and get fucked up that's why we're all here.
let's get real.

i'm angry and bitter,
i don't know what to say to myself to make this feel any better.
i just don't know that how long i can hold up and tell myself that he's going to come back,
how no one else is going to get hurt from drugs and alcohol.
i don't know anymore.

truth is...

i'm deathly afraid of heights,
orange juice gives me a stomachache,
i watch a lot of old reruns of shows that are already cancelled on TV,
i believe i'm meant to live a short life,
i fear that i'll never find someone who truly loves me,
i hate divorces and i don't understand it most of the time,
human beings never cease to amaze me (good or bad),
i fear that i can't ever let anyone in enough to actually know me,
i don't believe in best friends anymore,
i try to keep my expectations low so that it won't hurt as much when i fall,
i'm afraid of cats,
i often sing very loud in my car when i'm alone,
i'm quite paranoid since i've moved,
snow white and alice in wonderland use to scare me when i was a kid,
almost 99% of religious people who preach to me are contradicting and it annoys me,
i'm usually an emotional wreck when it's that time of the month,
i talk to myself quite often (i think it makes me sane),
i daydream a lot of a different life,
i like cupcakes because they're cute but i really don't like how they taste,
i like to drive by myself to record stores and browse around for music until i get bored,
i've lived all over southern california,
nothing turns me on more than a sharp dress guy with tattoos, nice hair, pretty eyes, and an old polaroid camera in hand,
i worry a lot,
as each year goes by i realize that my memory gets worse and worse,
i'm often very insecure,
i use a lot of analogies to explain things,
i wish i knew how to play the guitar better,
sometimes i wonder if we're all just stories made up in a person's head (like mine) and that person is our God, when he wakes up, we cease to exisit,
i love to write and create even if i'm not that good,
i hate the greasy feeling of lotion,
the airport excites me but at the same time depresses me,
my parents call me May often but I don't know why,
john goodman is one of my all time favorite actors,
i know that in a snap of a finger that everything could be gone and that makes me realize how fragile life is.
appreciate, cherish, & love.

je vous manque, reviens s'il vous plaît.

things change at a drop of a pin,
i understand that.
i thought i was good at handling things like that with years of practice,
thanks to my childhood.
i guess i wasn't prepared for this at all.

i cried all night last night,
in fear that i'll lose you too.
i already lost one brother,
and just the thought of losing you too, kills me.
i understand you're not well,
i know that,
i just don't understand why you would leave treatment.
i spoke to you a few days ago and you sounded great,
you said you 'felt better'.
maybe i should've known when you said that,
that nothing was better.

i just pray and hope that you come home safely,
whenever you're ready i'll be here with open arms.
i just hope wherever you are right now,
you know that we all love you and we're all waiting for you.

'you don't have to wonder why i'm so opposed of drugs, and even though it kills me inside when i see my friends doing drugs so lightly, i rarely voice my opinion on it. i'm not there mother's. but maybe when they start losing people they love to drugs, and when they see how many people they start hurting and how pointless it is, they'll understand where i'm coming from.'

politics.

anyone with half a brain that lives in California knows that we're in deep,
this hole that we've dug ourselves in isn't going to magically disappear.
we're in trouble for lack of better words.

i don't claim to know a lot about politics,
but i do believe i know a fair amount.
the 2010 election for a new governor is coming to a near,
and somehow this reminds me of the 2004 presidential election
bush vs. kerry.
those two candidates in my opinion were horrible,
and just like the 2010 election for California,
the big dogs
Meg Whitman, Steve Poizner, and Jerry Brown are horrible candidates (still in my opinion).
I've seen the campaigns that Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner's been spewing out,
slamming each other and making there promises.
my question is WHY?
not why they're slamming each other,
but WHY are they throwing millions of dollars down the drain when our state is in such a wreck?
if you have so much money to waste why don't you just hand the money over to the state?
i'm sure they can use a few million dollars.

what really fires me up is the whole immigration deal,
to me, it's like they're blaming the illegal immigration for all the problems that started with greedy politicians and other bad choices made.
it's like a witch hunt.
does this sound a little familiar?
well it does to me,
and if it doesn't think about the end of 1930-40's.

shouldn't we find a happy medium for this situation?
i'm not saying it's not contributing to the problems (illegal immigration),
but should we really cast EVERY illegal immigrant out,
even the ones working there bones off to make our lives better,
the ones who were brought to America when they were babies and all they know is there home in the U.S.
do we just ship them off back to there own country, defenseless?
Is that really fair?

i challenge you to look into this election for our future if nothing else,
don't vote for a side, vote for a cause.
it's sad how our society focuses on parties,
and we've put ourselves against each other.
don't think democrats or republicans,
think what's right from wrong for you.
and lastly,
it's not all black and white,
there's grey areas you have to take into consideration,
remember that.

so much.

i think i was born to be an introvert,
while some people find comfort in other people's company,
i find comfort when i could be alone wrapped in my own thoughts and privacy.
i like being alone more than spending time with anyone in the world
and i like taking breaks from people,
maybe to make me realize how much i miss them (though it's rarely the case).
these past few days,
thanks to being sick, i've been able to have an excuse to be an introvert,
other than school i rarely take time out of the day to talk to anyone...

today in my public speaking class there was this one dude who talked about death,
perfectly normal.
but when he started talking about a death of his friend it hit me like a ton of bricks.
i felt my breath get caught in my throat,
my stomach started to lurch,
and i wanted so badly to walk out of the room.
he talked about how he had to go to his friends funeral,
his voice shook as he explained how that person in the casket was no longer a person he once knew.
i can't say i'm brave enough to even recollect my thoughts on that day when i got the news,
i never did go to his funeral,
and that kills me.

to some,
it's just an unfortunate story that people hear others say.
for me,
it's forever apart of my life.
this hollow emptiness knowing that he'll never be here anymore...

is this it?
is this what life is muster up to be?
people live and die.
some achieve things while others don't even get a chance to make a difference.
is this it?

peer pressure.

maybe it's just that time of the month,
or maybe it's that i'm starting to show my true colors again.
i ask myself this a lot,
did i compromise who i really am to turn into the person that i am today.
i use to not care what people say, i use to say what i said because i meant it, i had no fear in the world, and peer pressure? i would've fucked it in the face so hard that it wouldn't exist in my life.

but now...i care what people say, i feel like i have to sugar coat things in order to be please everyone to be nice, and fears? i have more than enough nowadays.
i'm hating the person i've become,
i don't want to live life so restricted.
but yet, how do i have that happy medium where i don't hurt people, constantly?
i really don't know...
i just know that there's a need to change.

well, back to the main point.
i think everyone in there lifetime has gone through some type of peer pressure,
something that you don't want to do,
yet your peers, friends, co-workers, whomever might pressure you into doing.

for me,
this wasn't, isn't a problem.
i don't care if you call me a "pussy",
it doesn't hurt me.
it doesn't make me want to prove myself to you,
simply because i know who i am, i don't care if you believe me or not.
my mom taught me well,
"don't buy into that bullshit, those friends are a dime a dozen. your real friends won't make you feel bad if you don't do something, they won't force you to do something you don't want, and if they do... fuck em'."
okay, she didn't say it in those exact words but along those lines.
thanks to my madre's wisdom, i've stayed away from drugs for this long.
i could've easily said,
"sure, pass my that blunt" or "yeah, i'll take that pill."
but i didn't cause my mom taught me better.
so, call me all the names you want,
cause i don't give a shit.
if you want to talk shit,
say it in my face and we can deal with it.

i don't want to be apart of something i don't want to do,
and if you've ever been in that position
you shouldn't do it either.
something that might be "fun" but in actuality hurts you?
i don't find that fun.

so, if i've ever peer pressured you into doing something you don't want to do.
i apologize.
i try hard everyday not to be the person i don't like,
and when i slip i try ten times harder the next day to make sure i don't become that person again.
all i ask is that
you treat me with the same respect.

respect.

it's really very simple.
i give you respect, i expect you to do the same,
nothing to it.
but as simple it is to me,
i feel like people still don't get it.

i had a housewarming party tonight,
i mean it was meant to be just friends getting together having a good time.
it was all good and stuff until some people started disrespecting the place,
and just because you're a guest in my house it doesn't mean that all your manners can go out the window and you don't have to be a gentleman.
my blood is still boiling.
who the fuck leaves there trash in other people's house scattered around?
candy wrappers, old receipts, scratch paper?
what are fucking trash cans for?
and have you ever heard of asking?
oh, and if you don't ask at least put the shit where you found it!
instead you leave it outside contaminated.

i've just about had it up to here (a level above my head)
with it.
it's one thing where you disrespect other people's space,
and they have to clean up after it and they don't say a word.
but i'm not that type of a person,
i'm gonna tell you how it is.
the worst part is,
i feel obligated to not say a word though,
cause you're going off to the army and i don't want to part on a sour note.
i rather just keep my distance and take very tiny doses of you.

i can't believe i ever liked you,
you're nothing like my ex,
he would never announce "we should clear these fucking bottles" and hand them to my sister to clear them
what the fuck is she?
your fucking maid?
if you want something done, do it the fuck yourself.

alright,
i'm gonna stop now.
done.
done.
done.
let the rest of the fucking alcohol pass out of my system and sleep.
goodfuckingnight.

first epiphany of the year.

after years and years of being an avid listener of rock/alternative nothing really compares to it,
i admit,
i use to be one of those people who think hip hop, pop, and country and all that other stuff is trash.
what i listened to was the ultimate best of the best,
but over the course of two years i've opened my eyes.
i've explored different genres, experienced different emotions to fit each track, and over-all broaden my mind.

i mean,
when someone listens to country they might have the same feeling i have when i listen to rock.
we both love what we listen to, it helps us through the day and all the countless reasons why we love our type of music,
so who am i to judge?

now, whenever i hear people saying "oh your band sucks!"
i just think,
wow, you're an ignorant person.
i feel bad for you.

don't get me wrong,
i still don't think mainstream rap/hip-hop is any good i probably won't ever think it's any good,
all the prerogative and demeaning things being said towards women.
all the greed,
and ugliness is just not something i want to fill my ears with.

i just don't think everything other than what i listen to is trash anymore.
there are probably a lot of good country and underground hip-hop i've never heard of because i've been so closed minded,
but i'm willing to change that.
i'm willing to give it a shot before shooting it down.

currently listening to:
La Dispute & P.O.S

demons.

i was faced with my demons last night once again,
alcohol the key that unlocks them, did just the thing.
so many things ran through my mind last night,
spence,
kevin,
agitation,
and of course the raging beast had to make an appearance last night.
it wouldn't be a problem without it.

i felt spence telling me to leave last night,
"let's go, you don't want to do something you'll regret."
and then i thought about kevin,
i asked myself if he would be proud looking down at me if he saw me drinking again.
(that almost broke me in half)
then a lot of little things started to annoy me and that's when i knew it was coming,
i held my tongue, i kept telling myself that these are my friends,
you don't want to hurt them in any way.

no one in that room had a clue,
i concealed it well enough.
i knew i didn't drink enough for him to come out of it's cage,
i knew that amount was just good enough to make me realize they were being unlocked.

to tell you the truth i'm scared,
i don't know how to drink without pushing myself over the edge.
whenever i do drink now,
i always think,
how the hell did all my friends tolerate me?
how in the world did adam, spence, kevin, johnny and kristen ever contain my beast?
i don't know how they could do it and still love me.
i can't even listen the phrase, "calm down" without getting defensive.
and i'm not going to lie,
i don't think that my friends now can ever tolerate and contain my antics while still loving me.
it's simply not for everyone.

i just don't want to wake up,
having this feeling in my gut of guilt.
i don't want these demons to have a chance to come out and harm people i love,
it's not where i want to be.

boy.

that has got to be the cutest thing ever.

i was talking to adam today,
he asked me if i had any guy in my life,
i told no.
it was almost awkward because he's now one of spence's best friends,
and i just felt like it was off limits to talk about that with him.
but regardless i didn't lie to him.
he told me to talk to him about it,
"why the dry spell?" was what he said exactly.
silly.
while we talked it made me think what i really want in a guy,
and i figured it out.

(this might change tomorrow, it might never change. but for now, this is what is real)
i want a guy;
who can make me really laugh
who can make my heart jump out of my chest every time i talk to him
who can make me feel comfortable
who is truthful
who is loyal
who loves music as much as i do
who kisses me purely to just kiss me expecting nothing more or less
who can hold a conversation
who knows when something's wrong and can call me out on it
who has pretty eyes
who can sing me to sleep
who is ambition
who is adventurous
who is supportive
who has a way with words
who leaves messages to make me smile
who doesn't snore
who preferably has scruff scruff or a gnarly mustache
who is older than me
who would go on road trips with me
who would play "house" with me
who would respect and love my friends as much as i do or at least tolerate them
who would love my family as much as i do
who would watch chick flicks with me
who isn't an addict
who would go to gigs with me
who gives me my space when i need it
who knows my demons and helps me through them
who isn't selfish
who is good hearted
who would understand me
most importantly love me.

now that's my perfect 10.
(there's more i just can't seem to remember. :\)

love for the film.

titanic has a special place in my heart,
it's the first movie i ever saw in the theaters.
i was six at the time,
and my dad's friends took me.
i was so small, i couldn't even see the screen.
they had to bring me a bright red booster seat,
two of them actually.

after that,
i begged them to take me to watch the movie again.
it's silly now that i watch it again,
i barely understood the words they used,
and the "sex scene" i always thought they fogged up the carriage purpose so they could draw pictures.

now of course,
that's different.
but yet the love for this movie has not changed.
i still believe that leonard dicaprio, kate winslet, and kathy bates are some of the best performers of our time,
after 13 years the love for this film is still unchanged,
now that's love.

as i sit in my bed blowing my nose from extreme allergies and a cough my mom passed on to me,
i realized,
2010 for me is just full of surprises.

in a blink of an eye i'm moving again,
two moves in a year isn't that odd to me anymore.
since the age of two i knew i was bound to be a nomad just like my parents,
i can list a whole days worth of pros and cons to that,
but it doesn't really matter.

i really need to get on that resolution list,
i'm determined to cross everything on that list off,
i'm going to do it all,
and a bit more.
is it a little too ambitious?
maybe...
and i probably bit off more than i could chew but,
you just have no clue what i can do when i'm determined.
so you watch out 2010,
i'm going to rock you so hard,
you won't even know it was coming.

currently: the avett brothers sooo worth the listen.

infatuation

it's safe to say i have little girl crushes on three main, no four main people,
i haven't had little girl crushes since i was in the 8th grade.

hands down,
joseph gordon-levitt,
you talented, talented man.

then there's cody bonnette,
as cities burn lead singer.
your voice pairing with the lyrics sends chills down my spine.
ooh, what i wouldn't give to watch you guys play...

brad foster,
from abandon kansas.
the two times i've seen you play,
you've blown me away,
you're a sick sick guitarist and you have some crazy moves on the dance floor.

lastly,
my latest attraction.
i went to the glass beef show last night,
and there was this band that opened up for them,
ooh mannn did i like the drummer.
even with his mouth gapping open in the most unattractive way when he played. hah.
ooh silly me.

how's the weather from where you're at?

i keep telling myself that people change,
they change daily and there's nothing i can do about it.
yet, it still eats me up inside...

i find myself talking about you a whole lot since we've officially stopped talking.
it almost kills me when i find out that you've moved on,
indefinitely.
though i told you i need to move on,
it doesn't mean i already have.
but this is what i wanted and this is what i'll just have to get over.
you've changed,
and i have too.
all is fair.

i found out today that a boy i use to crush on is now a druggie,
a HARDCORE druggie.
it's a sad sad thing,
i thought he was better than that.
i guess i was wrong.

i don't even want to think about it.

continuation.

life's moving so fast,
sometimes i just want to pause it for just a minute and breathe.
to think clearly.

yesterday i turned my phone on silent and threw it in the bottom of my purse,
i missed 40 something text messages and 10 phone calls.
drove off to LA with my little sister and ate some vegan food,
so much for being responsible.

it's raining this whole week in Southern California,
it's taboo for us natives here.
yet, i love it.
despite the fact that no one knows how to drive in this weather,
and the traffic is always ten times worst.
i don't care.

going to georgia this thursday,
taking a plane back home alone on sunday and arriving home just before class,
leaving my family behind while they venture to miami possibly.
that's for taking a winter class.

free.

i can't lie and say i don't still think about you,
almost constantly.
even though saying what i said,
and having it sting like hell.
i don't regret it,
because sometimes the truth hurts,
and that's when you know the truth is in works.

if we step back and look at this without any emotional attachment,
you'll see what i see,
that we were kidding when we thought we'd last.
good things don't last forever,
but it's good while it lasted.
real good.

so,
we say our au revoir to one another and move on.
we wrote one hell of a good book together,
that's for sure.

i'm just sorry that i can't be strong enough to still be friends,
i know that to move on from you,
i need to be away from you,
i need to find someone whose different from you...
all i can say is,
that i wish you the best in life.
i know you'll go far.

what better way to get over a heartbreak
than to surround yourself with great friends,
(which i might just have the best ones.)
vegan food, and beautiful gloomy weather on a beautiful saturday afternoon in southern california?
i can't think of a better way.

this is where i want to be.

southern california.
i'm getting sick of you again.
there's many parts of the world that can offer me something just as beautiful or not more,
but you,
you give me the same old shit.
you always tend to give me this sunshine bullshit,
as if everything is going to be dandy.

maybe i'm not mad at you,
maybe i'm just mad at all the let downs around me.
i'm sorry.

marry me.

restless & truths.

i don't think i've posted so much since I first started this blog a year and a half ago,
but i just can't help it.
i'm so incredibly restless...

listening to feist as I think,
times like these, i wish there wasn't a thing called lonely.
i want to be far away and lost,
so i don't have to think about anything other than finding my way back home.

it's weird,
the healed cuts that i haven't felt in so long,
are begging for me to open them up again.
like something is under my skin about to crawl it's way out, ripping my flesh out and giving me relief.

i'm not afraid to admit that i'm terrified of what is going through my mind right now,
i'm not afraid to to say that i feel so vulnerable.

i lied to mom and the doctors two years ago when they asked me if i ever tried hurting myself.
i looked them straight in the eyes and said, no.
maybe that's why these thoughts are still in the back of my head,
i'm still not too sure.

i told him i loved him tonight,
for the first time since we broke up.
i told him that i miss Kevin a lot,
almost every second i'm awake.

he got scared,
and asked me if i was okay.

but the truth of the matter is,
i don't think i've been this good in a while,
but all at the same time i'm miserable.
life is good,
but i feel like i'm not fully there to enjoy it,
as much as i appreciate it.
i feel like i'm on the sideline watching someone living my life,
because i'm still so hung up on the past.
i can only think about him,
think of Kevin's death,
and wish that it was just a horrible nightmare...

get ready for some he said, i said.

I don't think I've called him since we've broken up,
it was him always making the moves,
it was always him putting in the effort.
Now, I realize that it was legitimate for him to say he feels like I care less,
not that I do...

He sounded startled and pretty delighted that it was me (I'm guess).
I asked him how was his day,
"Pretty boring..."
He asked me how my day was,
"Pretty good..."
You can see it was going nowhere really.

So I said,
"Today, I heard that a person I knew back in High School is in an abusive relationship with a friend I once knew... And I just want to say thank you for never putting me through that..."
He was quiet for a moment, finding the right words to say.
"I would never, ever lay a hand on someone I love." He then proceeded to chuckle, "It's silly for you to thank me for something like that, you know that nothing in the world could make me mad enough to ever lay a hand on a girl."
It was comforting to know that.

Now,
I'm confused,
I don't really know what to say or feel.
He was one of the best things that's ever happened to me,
he seems remorseful...
But I experienced first hand since I was a little girl of how it felt to be abandoned when the person you love lies to you,
and I don't want to experience it again,
not with him again or anyone else.
There's a part of me that tells that maybe this time it'll be the best part of our relationship,
and then another part is screaming at me and telling me I'm the stupidest person for falling for it,
and if I do fall for it I will only be contradicting everything I tell my friends and myself not to do.

As this battle goes on within my head,
the alcohol and nicotine urge is greater.
I'm stronger than that though,
I'm not going to let that be an outlet for me again to run away from my problems.

happy belated birthday to me...

yesterday was indeed my birthday,
as un-special of a number it is,
it has a significant meaning to it for me.
i haven't had people celebrate it on that date,
for various reasons i don't feel like explaining.

i realized once again how great my friends are,
all the text messages, phone calls, and surprise in the morning to sing to me and give me a cake.
i really appreciate it,
and i don't think they really know how happy it made me feel.
all the little things that they do,
that anyone does...
because i know they didn't have to,
i know they did it because they care.
and that's more than enough for me.

my sisters were pretty amazing,
they surprised me with balloons and a starbucks card (knowing i'm a starbucks addict)
and i thought that was it,
i was grateful to have little sisters like them, so thoughtful and caring.
but then after dinner they surprised me with new Toms! :]

and my madre,
even though she doesn't have a lot of money or know what i want,
she went deep into her pockets and gave me money so i can pay off some of my debt.
thanks mom,
from the bottom of my heart.

after dinner with my family i decided i wanted to go to scoops,
i was pretty bummed that the others couldn't make it,
but they already made other plans so i mean i really don't want to take them away from those obligations.
it was really sweet of the guys to want to drop everything and go,
but what can i say,
i'm a good convincer.
besides thursday will most def make up for it!

overall,
my birthday was great.
thank you everyone for everything.
i love you guys!