restless & truths.

i don't think i've posted so much since I first started this blog a year and a half ago,
but i just can't help it.
i'm so incredibly restless...

listening to feist as I think,
times like these, i wish there wasn't a thing called lonely.
i want to be far away and lost,
so i don't have to think about anything other than finding my way back home.

it's weird,
the healed cuts that i haven't felt in so long,
are begging for me to open them up again.
like something is under my skin about to crawl it's way out, ripping my flesh out and giving me relief.

i'm not afraid to admit that i'm terrified of what is going through my mind right now,
i'm not afraid to to say that i feel so vulnerable.

i lied to mom and the doctors two years ago when they asked me if i ever tried hurting myself.
i looked them straight in the eyes and said, no.
maybe that's why these thoughts are still in the back of my head,
i'm still not too sure.

i told him i loved him tonight,
for the first time since we broke up.
i told him that i miss Kevin a lot,
almost every second i'm awake.

he got scared,
and asked me if i was okay.

but the truth of the matter is,
i don't think i've been this good in a while,
but all at the same time i'm miserable.
life is good,
but i feel like i'm not fully there to enjoy it,
as much as i appreciate it.
i feel like i'm on the sideline watching someone living my life,
because i'm still so hung up on the past.
i can only think about him,
think of Kevin's death,
and wish that it was just a horrible nightmare...