as i sit in my bed blowing my nose from extreme allergies and a cough my mom passed on to me,
i realized,
2010 for me is just full of surprises.

in a blink of an eye i'm moving again,
two moves in a year isn't that odd to me anymore.
since the age of two i knew i was bound to be a nomad just like my parents,
i can list a whole days worth of pros and cons to that,
but it doesn't really matter.

i really need to get on that resolution list,
i'm determined to cross everything on that list off,
i'm going to do it all,
and a bit more.
is it a little too ambitious?
maybe...
and i probably bit off more than i could chew but,
you just have no clue what i can do when i'm determined.
so you watch out 2010,
i'm going to rock you so hard,
you won't even know it was coming.

currently: the avett brothers sooo worth the listen.

infatuation

it's safe to say i have little girl crushes on three main, no four main people,
i haven't had little girl crushes since i was in the 8th grade.

hands down,
joseph gordon-levitt,
you talented, talented man.

then there's cody bonnette,
as cities burn lead singer.
your voice pairing with the lyrics sends chills down my spine.
ooh, what i wouldn't give to watch you guys play...

brad foster,
from abandon kansas.
the two times i've seen you play,
you've blown me away,
you're a sick sick guitarist and you have some crazy moves on the dance floor.

lastly,
my latest attraction.
i went to the glass beef show last night,
and there was this band that opened up for them,
ooh mannn did i like the drummer.
even with his mouth gapping open in the most unattractive way when he played. hah.
ooh silly me.

how's the weather from where you're at?

i keep telling myself that people change,
they change daily and there's nothing i can do about it.
yet, it still eats me up inside...

i find myself talking about you a whole lot since we've officially stopped talking.
it almost kills me when i find out that you've moved on,
indefinitely.
though i told you i need to move on,
it doesn't mean i already have.
but this is what i wanted and this is what i'll just have to get over.
you've changed,
and i have too.
all is fair.

i found out today that a boy i use to crush on is now a druggie,
a HARDCORE druggie.
it's a sad sad thing,
i thought he was better than that.
i guess i was wrong.

i don't even want to think about it.

continuation.

life's moving so fast,
sometimes i just want to pause it for just a minute and breathe.
to think clearly.

yesterday i turned my phone on silent and threw it in the bottom of my purse,
i missed 40 something text messages and 10 phone calls.
drove off to LA with my little sister and ate some vegan food,
so much for being responsible.

it's raining this whole week in Southern California,
it's taboo for us natives here.
yet, i love it.
despite the fact that no one knows how to drive in this weather,
and the traffic is always ten times worst.
i don't care.

going to georgia this thursday,
taking a plane back home alone on sunday and arriving home just before class,
leaving my family behind while they venture to miami possibly.
that's for taking a winter class.

free.

i can't lie and say i don't still think about you,
almost constantly.
even though saying what i said,
and having it sting like hell.
i don't regret it,
because sometimes the truth hurts,
and that's when you know the truth is in works.

if we step back and look at this without any emotional attachment,
you'll see what i see,
that we were kidding when we thought we'd last.
good things don't last forever,
but it's good while it lasted.
real good.

so,
we say our au revoir to one another and move on.
we wrote one hell of a good book together,
that's for sure.

i'm just sorry that i can't be strong enough to still be friends,
i know that to move on from you,
i need to be away from you,
i need to find someone whose different from you...
all i can say is,
that i wish you the best in life.
i know you'll go far.

what better way to get over a heartbreak
than to surround yourself with great friends,
(which i might just have the best ones.)
vegan food, and beautiful gloomy weather on a beautiful saturday afternoon in southern california?
i can't think of a better way.

this is where i want to be.

southern california.
i'm getting sick of you again.
there's many parts of the world that can offer me something just as beautiful or not more,
but you,
you give me the same old shit.
you always tend to give me this sunshine bullshit,
as if everything is going to be dandy.

maybe i'm not mad at you,
maybe i'm just mad at all the let downs around me.
i'm sorry.

marry me.

restless & truths.

i don't think i've posted so much since I first started this blog a year and a half ago,
but i just can't help it.
i'm so incredibly restless...

listening to feist as I think,
times like these, i wish there wasn't a thing called lonely.
i want to be far away and lost,
so i don't have to think about anything other than finding my way back home.

it's weird,
the healed cuts that i haven't felt in so long,
are begging for me to open them up again.
like something is under my skin about to crawl it's way out, ripping my flesh out and giving me relief.

i'm not afraid to admit that i'm terrified of what is going through my mind right now,
i'm not afraid to to say that i feel so vulnerable.

i lied to mom and the doctors two years ago when they asked me if i ever tried hurting myself.
i looked them straight in the eyes and said, no.
maybe that's why these thoughts are still in the back of my head,
i'm still not too sure.

i told him i loved him tonight,
for the first time since we broke up.
i told him that i miss Kevin a lot,
almost every second i'm awake.

he got scared,
and asked me if i was okay.

but the truth of the matter is,
i don't think i've been this good in a while,
but all at the same time i'm miserable.
life is good,
but i feel like i'm not fully there to enjoy it,
as much as i appreciate it.
i feel like i'm on the sideline watching someone living my life,
because i'm still so hung up on the past.
i can only think about him,
think of Kevin's death,
and wish that it was just a horrible nightmare...

get ready for some he said, i said.

I don't think I've called him since we've broken up,
it was him always making the moves,
it was always him putting in the effort.
Now, I realize that it was legitimate for him to say he feels like I care less,
not that I do...

He sounded startled and pretty delighted that it was me (I'm guess).
I asked him how was his day,
"Pretty boring..."
He asked me how my day was,
"Pretty good..."
You can see it was going nowhere really.

So I said,
"Today, I heard that a person I knew back in High School is in an abusive relationship with a friend I once knew... And I just want to say thank you for never putting me through that..."
He was quiet for a moment, finding the right words to say.
"I would never, ever lay a hand on someone I love." He then proceeded to chuckle, "It's silly for you to thank me for something like that, you know that nothing in the world could make me mad enough to ever lay a hand on a girl."
It was comforting to know that.

Now,
I'm confused,
I don't really know what to say or feel.
He was one of the best things that's ever happened to me,
he seems remorseful...
But I experienced first hand since I was a little girl of how it felt to be abandoned when the person you love lies to you,
and I don't want to experience it again,
not with him again or anyone else.
There's a part of me that tells that maybe this time it'll be the best part of our relationship,
and then another part is screaming at me and telling me I'm the stupidest person for falling for it,
and if I do fall for it I will only be contradicting everything I tell my friends and myself not to do.

As this battle goes on within my head,
the alcohol and nicotine urge is greater.
I'm stronger than that though,
I'm not going to let that be an outlet for me again to run away from my problems.

happy belated birthday to me...

yesterday was indeed my birthday,
as un-special of a number it is,
it has a significant meaning to it for me.
i haven't had people celebrate it on that date,
for various reasons i don't feel like explaining.

i realized once again how great my friends are,
all the text messages, phone calls, and surprise in the morning to sing to me and give me a cake.
i really appreciate it,
and i don't think they really know how happy it made me feel.
all the little things that they do,
that anyone does...
because i know they didn't have to,
i know they did it because they care.
and that's more than enough for me.

my sisters were pretty amazing,
they surprised me with balloons and a starbucks card (knowing i'm a starbucks addict)
and i thought that was it,
i was grateful to have little sisters like them, so thoughtful and caring.
but then after dinner they surprised me with new Toms! :]

and my madre,
even though she doesn't have a lot of money or know what i want,
she went deep into her pockets and gave me money so i can pay off some of my debt.
thanks mom,
from the bottom of my heart.

after dinner with my family i decided i wanted to go to scoops,
i was pretty bummed that the others couldn't make it,
but they already made other plans so i mean i really don't want to take them away from those obligations.
it was really sweet of the guys to want to drop everything and go,
but what can i say,
i'm a good convincer.
besides thursday will most def make up for it!

overall,
my birthday was great.
thank you everyone for everything.
i love you guys!

new years happy.

i guess it works both ways,
different meanings but it works none the less.
just like life,
it'll work out.

i feel like i've been waiting for the right person to come around,
to inspire me,
to ignite that spark that i know i have inside of me.
but maybe, just maybe i don't need that "right person" to come around,
it might just be me all along.
I guess we'll find out this year...

i started my new year's off great,
though my phone died
i think it was for the best because i didn't have to worry about texting anyone.
i wouldn't have it any other way,
a room full of strangers, my two little sis, and a few friends turned into one big family.
played a few rounds of kings cup and hit off our new years amazingly!
i think it's a foreshadow of what's to come for 2010,
so i'll drink to that.

family, good friends, new friends, and new adventures.