you can't rely on other people to make you happy.

i want a fresh perspective,
of everything.
i want to be that blank pallet,
and every time for the past month or two that i've tried.
i have failed miserably.
i feel like an amateur of some sort because things seem so generic in my world right now,
and nothing is original anymore.

things have been going bananas lately,
i mean it's one thing when tuning your guitar and the strings snap on you and whips your hand,
but come on now!
i barely got them!
and then there's psycho bitches every where i fucking turn with there negativity.
drowning everyone in there pity.
GET THE FUCK OVER IT!
There's more important things in life then the shit that you're crying about right now.
ugh, it just makes me so fucking mad.
cause it's the same shit always over and over again.
so next time you go and throw a
hissy fit,
PMS fit,
or a withdraw from your fucking drugs fit.
take a second and think about how fucking lucky you are to be breathing right now.
UGH!
my rant is officially over.

maybe you're merely uncomfortable with uncertainty?

four A.M. talks,
spilling my guts out to a person who ultimately doesn't care,
isn't the way i like to spend my nights.
as much as i feel like i wasted it all,
and as much as i like to tell myself to give up on this person.
i refuse.
no matter how hard it gets,
i want to help him through his struggles,
because i know i would be nothing,
if i didn't have that support with me when i was battling through my own shit.

last night,
was jam packed with silly sing-alongs, Chipotle that gave me a horrible stomach ache, opening-up, trip down memory lane watching old videos, and rethinking my decisions.
i haven't really dissected it to the bone yet,
simply, because i just don't really want to and at the same time i feel like i have so much on my plate, it might not be worth it at this moment to do anything rash.
i mean it would be so much easier to just leave things as it is right now,
and pretend it doesn't bug me at times.
but then again,
i'm not the type of person to just leave things as it is,
it either has an ending or i keep the story going for as long as i live.
"it's a part of life, really." like my good friend Matt always says.

it doesn't matter,
i don't think i should stress over it.
everything will end up right where it's suppose to be in time.
so, for now i just have to sit back and let the chips fall where they may...
that's all i can do anyways.

"It takes two to make an accident"

The past few days have been a ride,
a good one.
With days like making red velvet cupcakes,
and riding vintage bikes along the beach-walk in Santa Monica; how can anyone complain?
And not to mention all the plates Kimm and I encountered.
We were literally plate-crazy yesterday at the beach and everywhere else,
(if you don't get it, it's alright. i don't expect you to)
hah.

Nordstroms finally got those Toms in-stock,
I needed a way to spend that gift-card and the Toms were perfect.
Too bad they only had it in solid colors,
but regardless the ash greys looked so damn good I decided to bring them home with me.
It was also very refreshing how every one of the workers I encountered today were so helpful and nice,
even the ones at PacSun where I got my first pair of Rainbow sandals!
Usually, the PacSuns I go to, many of the workers seem like they don't want to be there and they're extremely unhelpful too.
But maybe because I was in Costa Mesa or something,
but everyone had smiles on there faces and couldn't wait to help.
:]

I still need to break them in,
because they are extremely uncomfortable right about now.
I can't wait until they feel like Johnny's,
his are the most comfortable things ever!

Anyways,
can't wait til this month is over.
March isn't doing it for me,
and hopefully April will be much better.
Especially since I know I'll be closer to my longboard as next month comes closer,
that just puts a smile on my face.

it only takes one person to change the whole game...

there are days where I feel like giving up,
letting go, and that i should stop dreaming.
and then there are days like today where i just don't care,
i want to be in and out of a place as fast as i can and then go home and hide in my bed under sheets of blankets.
(and that's only if i even work myself up to get out of bed.)
then comes the rare days,
the days that keep me alive and the days that put smiles on my face where i don't have to force.
days when i feel like there's hope and that the world is a beautiful place.
days that make me fear and wonder when it's going to get tough again,
those are the days that make my life worth living.
days where i refuse to let the demons rule my thoughts and my worries overwhelm me.
i wish there were more days like that...

our fate will become the ones of your loss and my relief.

the other day i bumped into an old friend,
he asked me the questions people usually ask when they haven't seen each other in a while and then asked why he doesn't see me around at parties and in the scene any more.
i told him i was done with my old habits,
and he laughed.
until he realized i wasn't kidding.
i told him that i closed the book on that chapter in my life,
and i just wanted to move on.
he looked at me like i was crazy,
and said he couldn't picture me ever turning my back on everything i once knew...
but i did.

now that i look back,
i think the move to a less extreme life actually made me more or less 'sane'.
sure, i lost a whole lot of people i loved and still love
despite the fact that we don't talk anymore.
and yeah, i'm not as creative as i once was...
but knowing that i don't need to rely on substances in my life anymore puts me at ease.
knowing, that at the end of the day what i wrote or did,
good or bad is based all on my clear decisions.
makes me feel more human and that's not necessarily a bad thing...