change.

After the Saturday with Spencer,
I found myself questioning whether or not I should really be here.
It should be an easy answer, a simple no to him and just move on in my life,
I know it should end up that way...
Yet, I can't help but wonder what if,
I don't want to be the person to ask in the end, 'what if I left with him after all'.

But I know I just can't leave, throw everything I planned down the drain and leave without thinking,
if you asked me a year ago...
I'd do it with no questions, I'd go in a heartbeat.
But I'm not the person I was a year ago anymore.

I found myself crying a lot these past few days,
thinking of all the wrong moves I've made.
And hoping...
That this decision I'm going to make won't fall into that catagory.
Honestly, I really don't know.
I'm at a lost and I need guidance,
yet I don't want to ask for it,
it's a battle within myself and I know I need to fight through it myself.

Tomorrow there's going to be a Brighten show,
I'm pretty excited for it,
I haven't been to a show in a while.
:[
I know it'll keep my mind off of things listening to Justin's raspy voice.

If things take it's course,
I'm pretty sure by December I'll be in Seattle...
Well that's what I'm hoping at least.
And even if I have to go alone,
I'm going.
I'm determined,
and I'm not going to let another person let me down.

And I keep running like a coward for the door,

Thursday was all about reunions,
well sort of.
I went to Riverside to see a couple of friends,
to my surprise it wasn't awkward at all...
It felt as if I let something inside of me go,
something greater than I could put my finger on.
It was nice.

Friday I took my brother to the LA county fair.
It wasn't as great as my friends said it would be,
the food and rides was over priced, the games were generic, and every damn person there seemed to be with there significant other.

Yesterday was extremely bitter sweet.
Spencer decided it was time he explained things and he wanted to spend some time with me before he left, so he picked me up and we went to Laguna.
The car ride there was...
awkward,
I looked out the window half of the time, humming to the songs he put on every so often.
He drove without a word, except for the occasional sing along line in the songs.

When we got to Laguna, we walked along side the beach for a while speaking very little, until we found a place that seemed pretty isolated and sat down.
I finally confronted him about why he wanted to leave and if it was really about me, knowing him he gave me the straight forward truth, which was refreshing cause I was finally out of the dark.
I mean, of course I didn't want to know that the reason he was leaving was because of me,
but at least I know where I stand.
He tried to explain but did a pretty horrible job with it,
let me tell you, he's not really good with words when it comes to defending himself.
I decided to change the subject,
cause it was going no where,
so I asked how he was handling the grieving of his grandmother.
I never did ask him when he came back.
I could tell it took a lot out of him to explain it to me and tell me how he truly felt, it sent shivers down my spine a couple of times.
When he finally broke down, I couldn't help but hold him awkwardly.
I hate seeing men cry,
it just doesn't seem right to me,
but yet, when the tears rolled down his face...
I felt his pain and his grievance for his grandmother and the love he had for her.
I just couldn't help but comfort him in anyway I knew was possible to make him feel better.

After the breakdown, we walked around a little more.
I felt closer to him than I did when he first came back,
I took his hand into mine and laced our fingers together knowing that it was probably the worst mistake I could make,
but at that moment it felt right and that's all that mattered.
We went to some restaurant by the beach and by that time I was already feeling sick,
I couldn't walk straight and everything seemed to be spinning.
We ate, it didn't make me feel any better,
and what made it sort of worst was when he started to talk about Mississippi.
When he started explaining how he needed to leave to get away from me, so he could have a clean cut off from me.
It started frustrating me, because if we were accepting our relationship as friends why in the world did he need a clean cut off from me?
It made me feel unwanted and unloved...
What frustrated me and confused me more was when he pulled out a pair of airline tickets out of his pocket and sat it on the table.
There was a choice.
A choice where I either swallow the clean cut off and accept the fact that he was leaving because of me...
Or
leave with him and start over as he likes to say it.

It's so like him to want me to drop everything in my life for him and run off into his Utopia.
But yet, it's so like me to want to run off with him.
A part of me screamed for me to say, "Yes!" and the other part told me to get up and leave, that we're not going there again.
I told him I'd sleep on it, and we left with me feeling worst.

I came to the conclusion,
that no matter where we are in our lives we'll still love each other, the same that we do now.
It doesn't matter the distance of where we're at...
And if I was meant to leave now...
I will.
We'll see.

if you are a merman, then i am the sea.

Most of my closest friends have left for college out of town,
I'm a bit sad,
but I know I'll see them soon,
and hopefully spend some quality time with them again.

This weekend was hectic,
I ended up taking my sisters to Temecula with me cause my mom thought it'd be a good idea.
So I had to leave them for a little bit before I went to decorate Spence's place,
what I didn't know was that he was already back,
and this whole thing was actually a set up.
Go figure.
I tried my best to not make things awkward, but despite my attempt...
It didn't happen that way.
I left earlier than I should have with just a bye,
no kiss, hug, or anything.
it's like a bandage, I rather rip it off as fast as I could than go through the pain slowly
I don't think I'll be seeing him anytime soon.

What I found strange was the fact that I got sick again,
every single time I see him...
I'll always end up getting sick.
Ugh...
I can barely swallow without horrible pain and I feel like my whole mouth is extremely sore.
The worst part about it, is the fact that it's a viral infection,
so I can't do anything about it but wait it out with no meds, except for the typical Tylenol.

So...
I'm literally HOOKED onto the new Underoath album.
Lost In The Sounds Of Seperation,
it is absolutely amazing in my opinion.
Especially the song, Too Bright To See Too Loud To Hear.
I really suggest the people who haven't gotten the album yet, to go get it!

Lastly...
A very close friend and I decided over the weekend that we're going to become Jonas Brother's groupies.
With stick on face tattoos, headbans, and shirts.
It's going to be SICK!
and our new project
To Write Cheating On His Legs.
An organization to stop the ridiculous cheaters in life and relationships.
:]
hahaha.

CREEP!

First order of busy,
how in the world do you get rid of a clingy guy?
He's starting to creep me out (hence the title)
Without hurting his feelings or talking to him directly?
Come up with something clever and usable and I'll give you a cookie.
:]

So, I have this thing for Kombucha.
I find it pretty refreshing,
puts a kick in my day.
I recommend it to everyone.

I was trying to buy stuff online from Urbanoufitters,
but it's being stupid.
And I'm about 50 cents off,
so I have to wait until tomorrow.
Which is a huge bummer.
*SIGH*

Well, I'm going to go write,
today was not a good day.
:[

could I bring you back to us?

I got my wisdom tooth taken out Friday,
and if you're considering to get it done,
it's really not that bad at all.
It's uncomfortable, but the pain isn't that bad,
I didn't even feel pain during the whole procedure,
nor did I swell up like a chipmunk like everyone said I would.
The cool part about it,
is the fact that I got to keep my tooth,
and I'm planning to make a necklace out of it.
:]

This week seems to be going really slow,
a lot of my friends are going to move soon,
and it barely hit me yesterday when I was hanging out with some of them.
I mean the drive there isn't that bad,
it's only an hour,
but still the comfort knowing that they'll be only 10 minutes away is always nice.
I already know what to get Sara,
hah, but I have to hide it cause we're washing our cars together.

I was talking to a very good friend of mine,
one that I know, no matter what will forgive me for the stupid things that I've said and done before,
And I'd do exactly the same for him.
We're both mending our broken hearts,
it was better that we seperated in the first place,
but I could still feel that spark in our relationship.
I told myself that, that boat has sailed and we're really better off as friends like we are right now,
with no strings attatched.
Despite what everyone else says about never being able to be friends after being in a relationship,
we're going to prevail, I know it.
I wrote my first class essay on him,
the topic was;
someone who is important to you.
I thought about all the people in my life that I could write about,
but honestly, he was the one I wanted to write about,
he changed me.

I feel the relationship between my best friend and I drifting apart,
maybe it's the distances that's finally taking its toll on us.
Or we're just growing older, without each other,
but I know that our guideance will always be there when we need it,
and that's all that matters.
Not the title of the person,
and I'm okay with that,
I'm truly fine with the fact that we're moving on to better things.
As long as I know that we're well and happy that's all that matters to me.

You lose some close friends and then you gain some back.
I know that I'll never lose him,
that's the perks about our relationship.

And now, all I want is to make the friendships that I had, better in my life.
To tell them,
that no matter what,
if you need me I'll be there.
(Yes, I am feeling kind of rainbows and butterflies today!)

This is going to be a long one.

Let's start with today and I'll work my way back tracking,
I feel pretty damn lucky today.
I almost got pulled over twice but it was as if I dodged a bullet,
one of the cops ignored my not so great driving habit,
and the other one decided to stop some other car that was speeding right next to me.
I was seriously scared shitless,
I didn't want to deal with another ticket.
I'm planning to drive much more safely now.

At first, I really didn't like the whole college thing.
I just wanted to jump head first into the "real world" like I do with everything else,
but surprisingly I'm warming up to college.
I really like the fact that everyday, I'm able to learn something new and even though it's not easy.
The challenges makes me want to strive for more.

Currently, I'm speaking to this one boy who makes me smile a lot,
Craigery.
He's really sweet and he seems like the type of guy who has a level head about things, which I really like.
Other than the fact that he can drive pretty damn well,
and he's a gentleman.
He pulls off driving a Prius pretty well too!
:D

But I already know it's not going to work out,
he lives in Utah and aside from that.
We have major differences that should've kept us from even being friends,
but I guess fate had different things planned for us.
For now, I'm just going to focus on school and the things that make me happy.

My thoughts are all over the place,
I honestly had more things to say before I started.
But now I have homework to get to,
and things to do.
So I'll just leave you with this to think about:

"a little birdie once told me that everything will be fine.
so i took his advice.
and ran with it, ran with it.

all through-out winter i hoped for the snow to fall...
in southern california.
but then i realized it wasn't going to happening now..."

City in a snow globe.

I realized today that a guy who's a good driver is a huge PLUS in my book,
driving fast does not mean you're a good driver.
But patience, speed, and strategy defines a good driver,
and let me tell you Craig is an AMAZING driver.

I heard a Flobots song today on my ipod,
Anne Braden.
I don't know if you've heard it before but I do suggest you go on itunes and buy yourself a copy of that song.
It sent chills down my spine, it was absolutely astonishing.

Ooh! I bought a new V-neck today at Urban Outfitters,
crisp new white super v-neck :]
I was hunting for those Rainbow Sandals today at Pacsun cause I have a Pacloot thing,
but I had no luck with it,
they were completely sold out.

But then I'm still debating whether or not I should buy a pair of Rainbows or some new Vans.
Hmm...

Tomorrow the new Underoath album is out!
I can't wait,
I'm also thinking of picking up the Emarosa- Relativity album tomorrow while I'm at it.
:\

Lots to do tomorrow!
But today had all the reasons to smile for,
I just hope tomorrow was just as swell as today.