my 100 post is still about you.

I debated in that phone call,
the last goodbye phone call the other night,
whether or not I should tell you how I really feel...
Obviously I didn't cause if I did,
maybe, just maybe, things might be different right now.
All last night,
their were a lot of good looking guys,
guys that I didn't even attempt to talk to.
To be truthful,
all that was running through my mind was you.
I was wondering if you were really happy
or if you were just lying to me so I could move on.
I was wondering if I did the right thing,
not telling you how I truly feel,
not telling you I really love you
and that you're making one of the biggest mistakes of your life.
I wondered if it felt right when you called her your fiance,
when you held her hand,
when you tell her you love her.

Every day I tell myself to move on,
just like everyone else.
"move on, he's not worth your time or energy."
Trust me,
I try very hard to push you out of my mind,
to move on.
But truth be told,
I just can't or maybe I'm not letting myself.
I feel myself pushing every guy I'm remotely attracted to away,
I feel myself trying less and less to be out there.
I should be going out with Craig and his friends,
I should get excited when my friend tells me the guy we were talking to last night was paying attention to me,
but I'm not.
I'm not saying this is your fault or this is you by any means,
this is all me.

I need to move on from you,
I know,
but at the same time I'm lingering onto the thought about you.
How do I fill that void without you?

the end of this chapter... finally.

We've been at it for roughly three years now...
We've loved, we've lost, and now we're moving on.
I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself,
I didn't let myself cry when I spoke to you last night,
at least the last memory of me isn't a sad one.
Surprisingly, when I got off of the phone with you I didn't have the urge to drink or smoke myself to death,
I stuck it out and instead cried myself to sleep.
I guess this really is the end,
I wish from the bottom of my heart that you're truly happy,
that you'll live your life with no regrets.

Now, to Craigery.
My dear, dear, dear friend...
Thank you so much for being their for me,
for being my sober buddy, for listening to me rant, for comforting me when I cry.
I miss you already and it hasn't even been more than a few hours since we've seen each other.
You got me through once again,
another hard time.
To be honest,
I've crushed on you for a couple of months already.
Though I know you only see me as a little sister,
I can't help but feel a little bit more for you.
I don't see this going anywhere,
soon you'll go back to middle of nowhere Utah and I'll be content alone again.
I do have to note though,
when you told me you regret losing your virginity to a girl you might not possibly love...
I had so many emotions running through me;
happiness, disappointment, sadness, ect., ect., ect.
Happy because I'm selfish and I'm glad you realized she was the wrong one,
Disappointment because I thought you were better than that,
and
Sadness because I know you're genuinely upset about it and it really means a lot to you.

Craig,
you're one in a million.
Never change.
I know in the future you're going to make one lucky lady one very very very happy girl.

late night talks.

i like to think of myself as an ambitious person,
i try to reach for the stars sometimes and that could be a bad thing...
but this time around i'd say it's on my side,
i'm determined this time around,
and i'm going to lose the weight.

I'm going to give myself a year and half
to reach my goal.
which means losing A LOT of weight,
becoming healthy,
and lastly getting a great outline of a six pack.

i've been eating one meal a day,
working out for the past three.
lost five pounds,
and i'm extremely proud.
i think i'm crazy enough to go running again tomorrow,
and I HATE running and i'm extremely sore.
for some weird reason i'm just motivated,
i hope i turn into a work out junkie.
that'd help a lot,
and i don't mind not dreading working out.