if you don't want to hear the truth,
don't tell me your problems.

zero.

i'm getting so sick of the routine.
i go to school,
take cat naps,
eat,
jog,
write,
watch Bones, Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Son's of Anarchy (when they're on),
sleep,
and repeat.
there's no emotion in anything I do anymore.
Sometimes when I'm lucky,
I'll get excited for my shows,
but other than that...
Emotions are a second rate thing in my life.

i feel just as bad as when I was on prozac,
and that really bugs me.

i found the urge to have a boy in my life,
someone to call my boyfriend.
it's weird cause for the last two and a half almost three years,
i've repelled and pushed it out of my mind,
no matter how lonely I got.
I guess it just caught up to me.

Veteran's Day

First off,
I want to thank all the Vet's who's risked their lives to keep us save,
you all have a special place in my heart for being so selfless.

I've been feeling this sense of familiar depression lately,
I might be sick again.
The uncontrollable tremor in my hands are back,
and my minds been racing a lot more than it has in a while.
The kinship I have with my demons are in full fledge,
the familiar manic bipolar mood swings,
my need to accomplish things before it's too late,
and the value I hold for life has been haunting me...
I'm scared to be honest,
I don't know what to do exactly,
I don't want to go see the doctor.
The medications only make it worst,
and I don't want to tell my family or friends,
that's really not going to help me.
I just really need to find a way out,
even for just a couple of hours a day.

I went to the barbecue like the boys wanted me to,
I just didn't know there would be so many...
familiar unwanted faces there.
Craig being there was no surprised,
I braced myself for that.
But then Ian showed up and then Bridget and Spence.
I don't know how it happened,
I really don't...
But Spence and Craig got into an argument,
Ian seemed to be really close to Spence,
Bridget stood there with her huge ass belly and taunted me with her smirks,
and I just didn't know what to do.
Everything was just so damn overwhelming and everything seemed to spin out of control for me...

I had to get out of there,
I needed to keep my sanity.
I took the two hour drive to sing at the top of my lungs,
to clear my head,
to get rid of the disappointments I had in life.
I ended up driving around before deciding that I needed a movie,
a pick-me-up.
I drove to the dollar theater,
bought a ticket for one to watch Toy Story 3.
I laughed,
I teared up,
I realized that my childhood had definitely come to an end
and then drove home.
I honestly liked going to the movies alone,
though I wish there wasn't anyone there to talk and shuffle during my movie,
I was content.

Hopefully I can cross off one more thing tomorrow,
I'm hoping to cross off "do a random deed"
that'll probably be fulfilling.

romancin'

my roommate was a cute little ginger,
she was sweet,
but she also had a fiery side.
i called her Tess and she called me Winnifred,
it felt like we were best friends.
we even had matching mustache tattoos embedded on the side of our middle fingers.

we were sheltered from the vegas heat,
inside of our hotel suite looking over the strip.
we were here for business,
some kind of sorority convention.

i looked in the mirror,
i looked different.
my hair was longer, yet it was still the same shade of light brown,
my left arm was covered in colorful tattoos and the word live was tattooed onto my right wrist.
i felt pretty.

there was a knock on the door,
a shaggy blond with big soft green eyes looked at me with a big smile on his face.
he knew me, he knew me well.
i knew him,
i called him Tucker,
he was a swimmer and a frat boy.
he was different though,
he didn't act like the obnoxious frat guys i knew.
he was sweet, he was ambitious, and he loved me just the way i was.

i shivered when his cold lip ring touched my warm lips,
he smiled into the kiss.
a little seven year old boy with the same grin as his showed up from behind him.
they both shared the same big eyes, except his was bright blue and full of wonder.
other than little man, I called him Alex.
he adored me.

from what i remembered,
Tucker chased me down the hall as i chased after Alex with fits of giggles.
i was happy.
when he caught me,
he stared at me so full of love with those green eyes,
i couldn't help but fall in love with him.

i wanted to know more about him,
but instead,
i woke up.

i wish you were real.

i realized that dream was what i felt like i missed out on.
going to san diego,
joining a sorority,
meeting the guy of my dreams,
not being close to my family,
the different life i might of had if i had chosen that road.
none of this might be true,
but at least i got a little glimpse of what it could have been.