growing up.

growing up is about letting things go,
growing up for me is about being a better person.
tonight was about growing up...

no matter how much i didn't want to be at this party tonight,
i went.
because i didn't want to give myself an excuse to miss my best friend's birthday party.
i have to admit,
i was miserable.
my best friend was off with her new beau doing their own thing,
my other friend was trying to get her buzz on,
i was stuck in many awkward situations,
and the worse part...
i couldn't get what i needed to say to you out of my chest.

when we finally decided to face these demons,
we fought.
we fought like we were already together,
then all of a sudden,
we just dropped it and you made me smile again...
i don't know how you do it,
but i'm glad you do.

then there's that SOB,
i know i said i'm done a whole lot of times,
but i'm serious this time.
i'm done.
i'm done.
i don't care about you anymore.
fuck you.
i'm over it.

i have a big heart with an empty stomach,
a void in my chest big enough to fill a room with darkness.
i can't seem to get my mind clear enough,
i can't seem to breathe without it being caught in my throat.
it's not enough to be a good person.
i just don't seem to understand this equation,
it just doesn't add up.

sometimes... i just want to feel complete.
i just want to let go of these insecurities.

for you i'd forget everything, for you i write this melody.

Honestly, this feels right.
You know, you and me.
We feel right.
But to be honest,
I'm scared again.
I know you told me it's okay to be scared,
that it's normal.
But I am SCARED and it doesn't feel normal.
I know you can be that guy,
that guy that stands in the back of the show with me wrapping your arms around me,
or even that guy in the pit looking after me.
I know you're a sweet sweet man,
with all the right intentions.
And I know you want to hate certain things and people in this world that caused me to be this way,
so broken,
but the truth is, this is all I know.
I know that's what I need right now,
someone like you to take the hurt away,
maybe for even just a little while.
But I don't know if I can be the girl you need,
I don't know if I could be selfless enough to be apart of someone's life that way right now.
I'm sorry.