When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth.

my weekend was filled with things to do,
but nothing extremely interesting but none the less very notable.

To start off,
I had two very different guys who weren't my type at all hit on me,
two days in a row.
I don't know what to say,
'thank you?'

The highlight of my weekend was having a spontaneous luncheon with Kim,
she always knows how to bring out the spontaneous side of me,
and make me feel less dull.
She got a tattoo that symbolizes our sponaneousness, while I still need to get mine.
And we also need to find our next BFF so they could get there's,
hah.
:]

Adam tricked me into going to his place on Saturday to supposedly 'hang out',
turns out other people that I've been avoiding were there.
(You two probably read this,
you know who you are.)
It was awkward in my opinion,
but hell.
What do I know, right?

Sunday was extremely relaxing,
dinner with family.
Came across Kim and my potential BFF. (HAH!)
And another person that I lost hope in,
yet, today...
She got me to take a second look at the situation.
I don't know, a bit confused.

So much to think about,
and so much i don't want to think about.

If love is expensive then, i guess i am already deep in debt.

Everyone who knows me, knows i'm all for spontaneous moments in life
and acting on impulse.
But lately, I've been having to think about all the impulses...
Which I guess is not so much of an impulse if you have to think about it,
right?
From long boards skateboards,
nose rings,
hair cuts (like the one above, that i'm considering to get),
and taking certain people back into my life.
I've had to think about it all,
when if you talked to me a little over a month ago I would've had all of those things done by the time that idea had sprouted.

It's gotten to a point where it's ridiculous,
friends have to make an appointment with me two weeks ahead just to have lunch or whatever to catch up.
I really need to get my shit straight.
And to think that I was ready to try bringing some type of relationship into my already packed life,
I don't know what I was thinking.

Anyways,
I think I'm ready to take a big step into the future.
I have no clue where it's going to take me,
or if it's even going to take me anywhere.
But I know I have to do this,
I know I need to be the bigger person and get rid of this 'what if' once and for all.
Mend what is broken and move on from it...

Have a beautiful day,
So Cal today is actually cooler than it was two days ago.
Enjoy it, all you Southern Californian.

the Brits sure know how to make good music.

today is one of those dangerous good days for me,
the type that has me on the edge of my seat.
waking up feeling happy and warm inside.
it doesn't happen often,
and when it does there's a part of me that feels like somehow something or someone is going to ruin it for me.
i really have to stop being a worry wart,
it's not pretty.

tomorrow is surgery day,
as much as i don't want to do it,
i'm just glad i'm getting it over with.

today, i'm just trying to get things done,
so i don't have to worry about it for the next few days.

yesterday,
was beautiful. :]
my little reunion with elementary friends was much needed.
reminiscing of all the good ol' days,
and laughing at all the things christian and steven muttered up last night was one hell of a workout.
leaving clothing parties before it even started was a first for me,
let alone seeing the next big clothing company blow up before my eyes.
to say the least, last night was a success,
i don't think i've been so glad to hang out with old friends in a long time,
or laughed as much as i did in a while.

oh, and i heard a beautiful poem last night at the party,
i don't remember the name of the poet,
but i do remember the poem giving me chills.
it was invigorating,
like a cold shower,
and somehow it's making all literature today so much more prettier.

and lastly,
there's this guy i've only seen twice before.
a part of me has this weird anxiety when i'm in the same room with him,
only because i just can't seem to look past the little flaw he has.
but i'm working on it,
cause there's a stronger part of me that wants to get to know him,
he seems interesting and seems like a great guy to be around.
i just have to learn to leave my old douche bag ways behind me.

why do we try?

There's so much I want to say,
but yet as I attempt to write it all down.
I feel it slowly slipping away and I can barely remember a thing.

Just this weekend,
I went back to the things I avoided for months.
As much as I feel as if I really failed,
and as good as it felt to feel the poison slip down my throat,
I've realized that I am much more stronger than I had thought.
Finally,
the feeling doesn't haunt me as much as it use to.
Day three of being sober and it has never felt any better.

I've been stressing so much this week,
I feel like chaos has once again entered my world without warning and decided to stir up some trouble.
And then there are the tremors in my hands that I can no longer control,
which are driving me crazy.
I find myself not even noticing at times,
and when I do, I try so hard to hide it from everyone else in this world.
I'm getting so sick of not being able to feel free anymore,
like I'm constantly aware of the disorders that defines me now.

Now that Johnny and Kristen are gone,
Adam's going on another back packing trip across the country.
While everyone else just kind of faded away to me,
I feel alone... sometimes...
Even though I despise admitting it.
I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone again.

At least I still have San Diego.

but they say, that fighting never solves it.

Johnny and Kristen are leaving tomorrow for Florida and that's the last that I'll see of them in a long time.
So, later tonight we'll dine and feast and drink our wine,
to celebrate the time that they've impacted me and everyone else.
I promise I'll get up and take a train to Florida to surprise the two of you in the humid hot whether.
Just promise you'll give me a place to stay.
:]

Counting down the days until I have money,
and anticipating surgery on the 18th.
Just dandy.

I realized I've made the same mistake twice.
I got too attatched to people,
to friends.
I told myself I wouldn't do that again,
but I did.
Unfortunately.
I cared too much for there well being when in reality they didn't even want me to care.
And instead I get the back end of that stick,
I'm glad that I have the boys and Kristen to bring me back on track and into my own world again.

It's just not worth it to care anymore.
And even if I feel like I have there best interest at heart,
I'm just going to bite my tongue and let them fall into the ditch.