realizations.

i noticed that most of my friends and i grew up as cynics...
we're constantly being told that things don't last,
like marriages.
why would i bring this glum subject up?
to make a long story short,
when a person we knew very little of showed up without his wife we immediately assumed that they got divorced.
turns out they're still very happily married,
in fact the reason why she wasn't there was because she was at home taking care of the baby.

the truth is,
many of us grew up with both of our parents married and still loving each other everyday...
(though my dad is in and out of my life i know my parents still have love for each other)
we don't realize what's in front of us sometimes,
instead we listen to what other people say,
what statistics say.
we see these examples in front of us and we automatically justify that it happens all the time,
"correlation doesn't mean causation."- Professor Knapp (my psych professor)
we have no faith in ourselves and our own relationships,
if we keep telling ourselves things won't work out,
it simply won't because we're not striving anymore.

what i'm trying to get at is,
this doesn't just happen in marriages,
i see this happening in every day life...
in my life.
i listen to what other people say,
i have all the statistics,
and i see all the people still chasing there dreams at 77 but getting nowhere.
i get scared and i start to fear my own dreams,
but i just want to tell myself.
don't be scared,
cause i bet those 77 year olds are happier than all the other sell outs who were scared of there own dreams.

holy cow.

even though Kristen's half way across the country,
when she saw this picture online she sent it my way and said he reminded her of me.
i miss ya a whole lot Kristen,
&& if you see this boy on the streets of Florida send him my way.
I could use an adorable, tatted up boy in my life.

I finally gave in and got a tumbl-r but not to worry my wonderful blogspot,
you are my journal, my thoughts on life, my rants.
kind of like a best friend,
and tumblr is not.
merely just a place i go to, to take up time when i don't want to talk about things going on in my life,
but really it's a place i dedicate to music and photography (or a lack of photography actually as of right now).
so if you're interested in music...
please head on over to:


there were a lot more i wanted to talk about,
but i guess that's it for now...
since my degrading memory is being no help to me,
so i'll leave you with have a wonderful day.

magical things might just happen.

things are looking up today,
i felt alright in the morning.
a lot of people tried engaging in a conversation with me,
when i'm half awake in class but it helped cause somehow it lifted my spirits.
after that,
i get a phone call from Craig and he tells me there's some good news about Adam.
i think my exact reaction was jumping up and saying, "NO FUCKING WAY?"
he said he talked to some people who heard he was staying at a friends place in Arizona,
i called Spence and he's pretty much on it like a blood hound.
so i'm crossing my fingers for some more good news?
hopefully?
then in my history 1A class i had a nice music talk with my professor,
it felt good.

but then, it felt too good.
my day was just going way too smoothly,
and as we all know it, life just loves throwing curveballs.
my friend calls me and tells me two days before we head on up to Vegas to go see Arctic Monkeys that he can't go anymore,
due to a family event he has to attend.
so i tried to find some other friends to come up with me,
but turns out everyone is either going to work on Friday or they're going to Coachella.
Now, i don't know what to do...
But optimistic thinking right?
yeah... i'm trying...
i have to tell you,
i'm not much good at it.
but i'm taking it out for a test drive,
to see if this whole thing works.
i hope it does cause it sure beats that dark cloud over my head all the time.

music, friends, and annoyances.

you're still not back,
and we're still not resting.
just know that we won't have one peaceful night of sleep,
without you here.

Long Beach yesterday was exactly what I needed,
our own AA-like meeting.
I haven't seen these guys in a very long while,
and it was refreshing talking about our demons over coffee like it didn't bother us anymore.
i miss the feeling of being the little girl in the group,
i miss not having to be the responsible one,
i miss these big brothers of mine who always had a way of making me feel better,
and i just miss having a good time while i'm sober.

in the middle of our jam session,
Craig brought up something we all agreed on.
we should just keep our mouths shut on good music,
we don't know how many times we got screwed by telling people about music we love!
they go telling there other friends and somehow they either ruin it,
or the band blows up and they start sucking!
it's a tragedy,
and a major let down when i see these groupies at the show standing there not even knowing the words or knowing all the words because they stayed up memorizing it so they can play it off as a real fan,
and the only reason they have, to listen to the band is because the dudes in it are "Hot".
it makes me want to puke all over there slutty outfits.
i remember when we use to go to shows and we'd see all these girls with make-up and there fucking purses and we'd just be like... "are you fucking kidding me? This is not a beauty pageant, we're at a fucking show. your hair and make-up will get fucked up and nothing is going to hide that face of yours then. Oh, and those purses? yeah, you're just asking to be robbed." It's ridiculous!
hey, do us all a favor!
go back to your radio station rock and hip hop and leave our shit the fuck alone.

i'm so heated about this,
i completely forgot what I was going to say about my next topic...
maybe i'll remember it again after i cool down from this one,
but until then i guess that's it.

And to my 'AA' buddies,
i'll see you soon again,
this time not months apart and we'll hang out more in the OC area again,
i promise.

same shit, different day.

Nothing good comes out of a phone call from my ex,
well that's how it seems lately.
it's either we argue or we worry,
This time around, it's struck a vein in my heart.
Every time I he calls,
I wonder if they found Adam or if he's okay.
To receive that call from him telling me that nothing's change, they 'still can't find him' crushes me.

After that,
I couldn't stick around any longer for my friend's going away party.
I gave him one last tight squeeze,
and said my goodbye's before making a quick getaway.
As I walked through that door,
I felt like I was in The Hills or something,
like some sad soft rock song was going to play as the episode ended.

I took the long way home,
fighting back tears as Midwestern Dirt from Dear & the Headlights came on shuffle.
There's no significant meaning, just the fact that it's a sad song to me that apparently matched my mood...
I couldn't help it anymore,
I let it out by the time I got to my driveway.
I was angry and devastated at the same time.

Angry because,
Adam reminded me of my dad and all the other men in my life who meant a lot to me,
they leave me...
then they come back expecting me to pretend nothing is wrong.
but sometimes i wish some of them would actually come back.
I was angry because many of my other friends were smoking pot in the back,
drinking,
it was killing me on the inside,
but i didn't say a word.
But I wasn't going to ruin it for everyone,
besides they didn't know a thing i am going through.
i was pissed off because i didn't want the last time i was going to see Anthony for months to be like this,
for everyone to be fucked up.
that's not what i wanted,
that's why i got away from the scene so i could be around sober people.
but what can i do?
there minds were set.

Devastation,
for all the reasons above.
I realized that no matter what,
whenever someone does something shitty (especially men) I'll relate those things with my father.
Every time someone I know and love drinks or does drugs it'll always take a small part of me,
like someone's tugging at my heartstrings telling me to stop them cause I don't want them in the same gutter as all the other people I use to love and care about, who are all gone now.
Lastly, I wanted all of us to be together,
sober, eating, laughing, hanging out, taking pictures together for this thing.
it's finally happening,
he's really leaving.
but that's not the real reason why we're all here,
we're here to drink,
and get fucked up that's why we're all here.
let's get real.

i'm angry and bitter,
i don't know what to say to myself to make this feel any better.
i just don't know that how long i can hold up and tell myself that he's going to come back,
how no one else is going to get hurt from drugs and alcohol.
i don't know anymore.

truth is...

i'm deathly afraid of heights,
orange juice gives me a stomachache,
i watch a lot of old reruns of shows that are already cancelled on TV,
i believe i'm meant to live a short life,
i fear that i'll never find someone who truly loves me,
i hate divorces and i don't understand it most of the time,
human beings never cease to amaze me (good or bad),
i fear that i can't ever let anyone in enough to actually know me,
i don't believe in best friends anymore,
i try to keep my expectations low so that it won't hurt as much when i fall,
i'm afraid of cats,
i often sing very loud in my car when i'm alone,
i'm quite paranoid since i've moved,
snow white and alice in wonderland use to scare me when i was a kid,
almost 99% of religious people who preach to me are contradicting and it annoys me,
i'm usually an emotional wreck when it's that time of the month,
i talk to myself quite often (i think it makes me sane),
i daydream a lot of a different life,
i like cupcakes because they're cute but i really don't like how they taste,
i like to drive by myself to record stores and browse around for music until i get bored,
i've lived all over southern california,
nothing turns me on more than a sharp dress guy with tattoos, nice hair, pretty eyes, and an old polaroid camera in hand,
i worry a lot,
as each year goes by i realize that my memory gets worse and worse,
i'm often very insecure,
i use a lot of analogies to explain things,
i wish i knew how to play the guitar better,
sometimes i wonder if we're all just stories made up in a person's head (like mine) and that person is our God, when he wakes up, we cease to exisit,
i love to write and create even if i'm not that good,
i hate the greasy feeling of lotion,
the airport excites me but at the same time depresses me,
my parents call me May often but I don't know why,
john goodman is one of my all time favorite actors,
i know that in a snap of a finger that everything could be gone and that makes me realize how fragile life is.
appreciate, cherish, & love.

je vous manque, reviens s'il vous plaît.

things change at a drop of a pin,
i understand that.
i thought i was good at handling things like that with years of practice,
thanks to my childhood.
i guess i wasn't prepared for this at all.

i cried all night last night,
in fear that i'll lose you too.
i already lost one brother,
and just the thought of losing you too, kills me.
i understand you're not well,
i know that,
i just don't understand why you would leave treatment.
i spoke to you a few days ago and you sounded great,
you said you 'felt better'.
maybe i should've known when you said that,
that nothing was better.

i just pray and hope that you come home safely,
whenever you're ready i'll be here with open arms.
i just hope wherever you are right now,
you know that we all love you and we're all waiting for you.

'you don't have to wonder why i'm so opposed of drugs, and even though it kills me inside when i see my friends doing drugs so lightly, i rarely voice my opinion on it. i'm not there mother's. but maybe when they start losing people they love to drugs, and when they see how many people they start hurting and how pointless it is, they'll understand where i'm coming from.'