same shit, different day.

Nothing good comes out of a phone call from my ex,
well that's how it seems lately.
it's either we argue or we worry,
This time around, it's struck a vein in my heart.
Every time I he calls,
I wonder if they found Adam or if he's okay.
To receive that call from him telling me that nothing's change, they 'still can't find him' crushes me.

After that,
I couldn't stick around any longer for my friend's going away party.
I gave him one last tight squeeze,
and said my goodbye's before making a quick getaway.
As I walked through that door,
I felt like I was in The Hills or something,
like some sad soft rock song was going to play as the episode ended.

I took the long way home,
fighting back tears as Midwestern Dirt from Dear & the Headlights came on shuffle.
There's no significant meaning, just the fact that it's a sad song to me that apparently matched my mood...
I couldn't help it anymore,
I let it out by the time I got to my driveway.
I was angry and devastated at the same time.

Angry because,
Adam reminded me of my dad and all the other men in my life who meant a lot to me,
they leave me...
then they come back expecting me to pretend nothing is wrong.
but sometimes i wish some of them would actually come back.
I was angry because many of my other friends were smoking pot in the back,
drinking,
it was killing me on the inside,
but i didn't say a word.
But I wasn't going to ruin it for everyone,
besides they didn't know a thing i am going through.
i was pissed off because i didn't want the last time i was going to see Anthony for months to be like this,
for everyone to be fucked up.
that's not what i wanted,
that's why i got away from the scene so i could be around sober people.
but what can i do?
there minds were set.

Devastation,
for all the reasons above.
I realized that no matter what,
whenever someone does something shitty (especially men) I'll relate those things with my father.
Every time someone I know and love drinks or does drugs it'll always take a small part of me,
like someone's tugging at my heartstrings telling me to stop them cause I don't want them in the same gutter as all the other people I use to love and care about, who are all gone now.
Lastly, I wanted all of us to be together,
sober, eating, laughing, hanging out, taking pictures together for this thing.
it's finally happening,
he's really leaving.
but that's not the real reason why we're all here,
we're here to drink,
and get fucked up that's why we're all here.
let's get real.

i'm angry and bitter,
i don't know what to say to myself to make this feel any better.
i just don't know that how long i can hold up and tell myself that he's going to come back,
how no one else is going to get hurt from drugs and alcohol.
i don't know anymore.