ooh, boy.

now that we're talking again,
i miss you more and more,
i miss us again...
but i keep telling myself to forget about you.
it's contradicting and it's complicated,
and that's exactly how we like it.

i can't help but smile goofily to myself when i get your random texts,
and spending countless hours talking about bands,
but you and i both know that it won't work out,
and it's only going to end up in a train wreck like it always does.
you're always going to be that one guy that will always be in the back of my mind,
the only significance that really matters until i find the right guy...
no one can take that away from you.

i'm nervous to tell you the truth,
seeing you for the first time in a very very long time...
i'm looking forward to it though,
i'm looking forward to your tight bear hug,
your smile,
your smell,
and most of all, you.

hey, kiddo... you know i'll always be there for you.
ditto.

.

I just want to breathe,
like really breathe...
Without this ball stuck in my throat.
This feeling has stayed with me longer than any happiness in my life,
only when I completely let myself forget and give myself a chance to slow down my thoughts and put them on hold for a few blissful minutes, do I get the feeling of freedom...
the freedom to breathe.

What I'm trying to get at is stress...

I forgot this feeling of overwhelming stress,
not the type of stress where you're worrying over a grade or a crumbling friendship.
(Those I can cope with, without breaking into a million little pieces)
I'm talking about a stress that is beyond your control no matter how hard you try,
it's just something you have to endure.

These are the moments I feel extremely weak,
I thought last week was tough,
I thought what happened last week was was going to cause me to drink and smoke again,
but boy do I have it all wrong.
With elements like those of what happened last week,
and the combination of what I found out today I just don't know how I can possibly even take even the shallowest breath of air.
I feel like someone is sitting on my chest,
and I just can't push them off.
I want to leave because it'd be so much easier
but I've fallen too deeply in love with this place I call home to just abandon it.
I wish I could just roll with the punches,
I wish it wouldn't be so difficult,
I wish I could tell everyone reading this what is going on exactly.
But under so many circumstances,
none of those things are possible at the moment.

People take the slightest things for granted,
like freedom and rights.
If I learned anything from this,
it's to absolutely not take anything for granted.

breathing gets a hell of a lot harder when you're suffocating.

I guess I have a lot of explaining to do my dear journal,
this week (starting last friday) was not only stressing but a test of my strength.
Family has always been a big part of my life,
one of the biggest...
So when my family is in trouble,
it's a very stressing time.

To keep some privacy,
I guess I'll just say that these included people very close to me
and we're still not sure what's going on at this point.
my mother and i have been bickering about it, no, not just me... my father too.
it just justifies how crazy (literally), irrational, and dramatic my mother is.
not only is she not making the situation any better but it's making it much worst,
she thinks we're all against her,
not wanting to help or we don't care.
But she really doesn't know how much hell we're going through worrying,
and straining ourselves to make the situation better.

i don't know how to explaining how badly i would just love to go get a drink,
i have a 12 year old bottle of whiskey calling my name.
I haven't wanted to drink so badly in so long...
so bad that i can't control it.
i haven't wanted to smoke to calm my nerves this badly,
ever.
it would be so easy to just make a dash for it,
even for just a couple of days.
with a bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes,
and go back to the old days.

i don't know how strong i can be,
to be completely honest.
i haven't felt so alone in years...
i wish i still had you here,
where i could cry into your shoulders no questions asked,
no explaining to do.
someone here to tell me 'don't do it, it's not worth it.'
but you're gone now,
and i have no one.

we all have demons inside of us,
i feel my demons about to rip out of my chest.

i'm moving to canada.