respect.

it's really very simple.
i give you respect, i expect you to do the same,
nothing to it.
but as simple it is to me,
i feel like people still don't get it.

i had a housewarming party tonight,
i mean it was meant to be just friends getting together having a good time.
it was all good and stuff until some people started disrespecting the place,
and just because you're a guest in my house it doesn't mean that all your manners can go out the window and you don't have to be a gentleman.
my blood is still boiling.
who the fuck leaves there trash in other people's house scattered around?
candy wrappers, old receipts, scratch paper?
what are fucking trash cans for?
and have you ever heard of asking?
oh, and if you don't ask at least put the shit where you found it!
instead you leave it outside contaminated.

i've just about had it up to here (a level above my head)
with it.
it's one thing where you disrespect other people's space,
and they have to clean up after it and they don't say a word.
but i'm not that type of a person,
i'm gonna tell you how it is.
the worst part is,
i feel obligated to not say a word though,
cause you're going off to the army and i don't want to part on a sour note.
i rather just keep my distance and take very tiny doses of you.

i can't believe i ever liked you,
you're nothing like my ex,
he would never announce "we should clear these fucking bottles" and hand them to my sister to clear them
what the fuck is she?
your fucking maid?
if you want something done, do it the fuck yourself.

alright,
i'm gonna stop now.
done.
done.
done.
let the rest of the fucking alcohol pass out of my system and sleep.
goodfuckingnight.

first epiphany of the year.

after years and years of being an avid listener of rock/alternative nothing really compares to it,
i admit,
i use to be one of those people who think hip hop, pop, and country and all that other stuff is trash.
what i listened to was the ultimate best of the best,
but over the course of two years i've opened my eyes.
i've explored different genres, experienced different emotions to fit each track, and over-all broaden my mind.

i mean,
when someone listens to country they might have the same feeling i have when i listen to rock.
we both love what we listen to, it helps us through the day and all the countless reasons why we love our type of music,
so who am i to judge?

now, whenever i hear people saying "oh your band sucks!"
i just think,
wow, you're an ignorant person.
i feel bad for you.

don't get me wrong,
i still don't think mainstream rap/hip-hop is any good i probably won't ever think it's any good,
all the prerogative and demeaning things being said towards women.
all the greed,
and ugliness is just not something i want to fill my ears with.

i just don't think everything other than what i listen to is trash anymore.
there are probably a lot of good country and underground hip-hop i've never heard of because i've been so closed minded,
but i'm willing to change that.
i'm willing to give it a shot before shooting it down.

currently listening to:
La Dispute & P.O.S

demons.

i was faced with my demons last night once again,
alcohol the key that unlocks them, did just the thing.
so many things ran through my mind last night,
spence,
kevin,
agitation,
and of course the raging beast had to make an appearance last night.
it wouldn't be a problem without it.

i felt spence telling me to leave last night,
"let's go, you don't want to do something you'll regret."
and then i thought about kevin,
i asked myself if he would be proud looking down at me if he saw me drinking again.
(that almost broke me in half)
then a lot of little things started to annoy me and that's when i knew it was coming,
i held my tongue, i kept telling myself that these are my friends,
you don't want to hurt them in any way.

no one in that room had a clue,
i concealed it well enough.
i knew i didn't drink enough for him to come out of it's cage,
i knew that amount was just good enough to make me realize they were being unlocked.

to tell you the truth i'm scared,
i don't know how to drink without pushing myself over the edge.
whenever i do drink now,
i always think,
how the hell did all my friends tolerate me?
how in the world did adam, spence, kevin, johnny and kristen ever contain my beast?
i don't know how they could do it and still love me.
i can't even listen the phrase, "calm down" without getting defensive.
and i'm not going to lie,
i don't think that my friends now can ever tolerate and contain my antics while still loving me.
it's simply not for everyone.

i just don't want to wake up,
having this feeling in my gut of guilt.
i don't want these demons to have a chance to come out and harm people i love,
it's not where i want to be.

boy.

that has got to be the cutest thing ever.

i was talking to adam today,
he asked me if i had any guy in my life,
i told no.
it was almost awkward because he's now one of spence's best friends,
and i just felt like it was off limits to talk about that with him.
but regardless i didn't lie to him.
he told me to talk to him about it,
"why the dry spell?" was what he said exactly.
silly.
while we talked it made me think what i really want in a guy,
and i figured it out.

(this might change tomorrow, it might never change. but for now, this is what is real)
i want a guy;
who can make me really laugh
who can make my heart jump out of my chest every time i talk to him
who can make me feel comfortable
who is truthful
who is loyal
who loves music as much as i do
who kisses me purely to just kiss me expecting nothing more or less
who can hold a conversation
who knows when something's wrong and can call me out on it
who has pretty eyes
who can sing me to sleep
who is ambition
who is adventurous
who is supportive
who has a way with words
who leaves messages to make me smile
who doesn't snore
who preferably has scruff scruff or a gnarly mustache
who is older than me
who would go on road trips with me
who would play "house" with me
who would respect and love my friends as much as i do or at least tolerate them
who would love my family as much as i do
who would watch chick flicks with me
who isn't an addict
who would go to gigs with me
who gives me my space when i need it
who knows my demons and helps me through them
who isn't selfish
who is good hearted
who would understand me
most importantly love me.

now that's my perfect 10.
(there's more i just can't seem to remember. :\)

love for the film.

titanic has a special place in my heart,
it's the first movie i ever saw in the theaters.
i was six at the time,
and my dad's friends took me.
i was so small, i couldn't even see the screen.
they had to bring me a bright red booster seat,
two of them actually.

after that,
i begged them to take me to watch the movie again.
it's silly now that i watch it again,
i barely understood the words they used,
and the "sex scene" i always thought they fogged up the carriage purpose so they could draw pictures.

now of course,
that's different.
but yet the love for this movie has not changed.
i still believe that leonard dicaprio, kate winslet, and kathy bates are some of the best performers of our time,
after 13 years the love for this film is still unchanged,
now that's love.