demons.

i was faced with my demons last night once again,
alcohol the key that unlocks them, did just the thing.
so many things ran through my mind last night,
spence,
kevin,
agitation,
and of course the raging beast had to make an appearance last night.
it wouldn't be a problem without it.

i felt spence telling me to leave last night,
"let's go, you don't want to do something you'll regret."
and then i thought about kevin,
i asked myself if he would be proud looking down at me if he saw me drinking again.
(that almost broke me in half)
then a lot of little things started to annoy me and that's when i knew it was coming,
i held my tongue, i kept telling myself that these are my friends,
you don't want to hurt them in any way.

no one in that room had a clue,
i concealed it well enough.
i knew i didn't drink enough for him to come out of it's cage,
i knew that amount was just good enough to make me realize they were being unlocked.

to tell you the truth i'm scared,
i don't know how to drink without pushing myself over the edge.
whenever i do drink now,
i always think,
how the hell did all my friends tolerate me?
how in the world did adam, spence, kevin, johnny and kristen ever contain my beast?
i don't know how they could do it and still love me.
i can't even listen the phrase, "calm down" without getting defensive.
and i'm not going to lie,
i don't think that my friends now can ever tolerate and contain my antics while still loving me.
it's simply not for everyone.

i just don't want to wake up,
having this feeling in my gut of guilt.
i don't want these demons to have a chance to come out and harm people i love,
it's not where i want to be.