music has lost its taste.

First and foremost... Merry Christmas.
I hope you all had a good time,
and ate a lot of good food.

so... this update is much needed,
twitter couldn't satisfied the needs of more than 140 words of a rant about today's music.

i went to a bookstore with some friends and stumbled across the newest issue of AP magazine,
i remember back in high school i would pick up one almost every month.
this issue was about the most anticipate albums of 2010...

when i flipped through the pages,
i couldn't tell you how disappointed i was,
and i felt as if my youth had died at the tender age of 19.
(i apologize for the melodramatics)

all the bands featured in there were generic,
and not one of them intrigued me to anticipate anything they were coming out with.
the catchy, poppy one liners, and whiney songs about growing up and love...
i can almost say i'm completely sick of it.
don't get me wrong,
once in a while a few bands will come out with completely sappy songs that i can tolerate and almost even like.
But just think about it,
after almost 10 years of the same ol' shit I can really use some change.

it's sad to say,
but nowadays i barely get excited about today's music and rarely do i want to go bother with the old bands that i use to like.
i felt like they've conformed into today's new age hipster movement,
they followed the gold instead of music.

i feel like i'm going to turn into those parents who say, "what are these kids listening to nowadays?" with the way things are shaping up to be.
At least those parents had Woodstock, Jimi Hendrix, Grateful Dead and the Beatles to back it up.
I can't think of many bands that can be even remotely considered timeless in our era,
and no kids My Chemical Romance is not one of the most influential and timeless bands of our age,
please don't kill yourself over it.

the older i get,
the more i realize how much of a crap-hole we're in,
with a bad economy like this we really have to think about what we can spend our precious pennies on.
so the next time you go buy an album at your local record store,
think about it.
is this really what you want to be listening to a year from now?
is this really worth the 9.99 you're about to pay, for the same old shit that you already have in your collection?
if it isn't... put it down and walk away.
trust me that 9.99 (tax not included) is now not wasted on shit generic music.
make those record companies and bands work for your hard earn money,
instead of handing it to them on that pretty little silver platter of yours.

christmas eve.

i lost my phone of three years yesterday when i took my siblings to the zoo,
we went paddle boating and whoops, gone.
it's probably in the deep green lake or some fellow probably picked it up,
i really don't know...
either way it's gone.

so to replace my phone,
i used all my savings and now i'm broke and phone-less.
oh, and did i mention stressed?
if the holidays consist of stress, being broke, and worry then i'm so glad it only comes around once a year.

for now,
i see it as a test
in how in the world i'm going to handle this.
communication without a phone is hard but it's not impossible,
digging myself in this hole of debt is stressful but i know i can figure it out,
and lastly a drink and preoccupying myself can always take the worry out of me.
hah.
we'll see.

so to conclude this update,
merry christmas everyone and i hope all your wishes come true.
drive safe in this weather.

eighteen balding star

That has got to be one of the coolest pictures i've seen in a while.
:]

today is a beautiful Sunday afternoon,
yet i'm stumped that i'm utterly sick and i'm sitting in bed in front of my laptop and TV.
beautiful days like today shouldn't be wasted. :\

i realized yesterday, once again how amazing and blessed i am to have such a wonderful group of friends.
for all there love and support and you can't forget about the good times that we share,
even though i don't say it as often as i do,
i really love 'em.

the show was amazing The Regulars AKA Steven's band was GREAT!
sounded like Kings of Leon well, their older stuff from Aha Shake Heartbreak.
and everyone's compliment for our band The Lasting Impressions
made us feel so loved and less nervous!

Overall the Christmas party was a success!
Our next adventure is to go up to the mountains, snowboard, and camp!
I can't wait!

sometimes i wonder what would've happened if we never met.

i spent some time with adam today,
he told me some things that were partly amusing and partly disgusting.
it was only amusing because it didn't hit me how disgusting it was...

in short,
i'm just going to say...
once a cheater or a homewrecker, always a cheater or homewrecker...
the end.

i am most definitely buying film tomorrow,
rain, rain, rain.
my first shoot in the rain.
WHOO!

while i'm waiting for my lasagna to cook...

i'm in a million little pieces today,
i feel like i'm 10 different persons.

yes, my thoughts are running wild,
some are heading for the hills while some are hiding.
i feel so weird today...
but i think i'm weird everyday.

i'm in dire need of a new coat of paint for my bare nails.
million dollar red sounds pretty good,
maybe it'll stop me from biting my nails again,
it's a disgusting habit,
but i just can't help it.

got a facebook :[ (a promise is a promise)
new macbook pro :] that's a smiley face X a million (i have to thank my uncle for giving me what i didn't have enough for)
got a new to me canon ae-1P (that baby is a beaut and i can't wait to use it)
started on a new photography project
i just had a delicious grilled cheese

i'm thinking of starting a tumbl-r for my photography
i'm thinking of getting a dailybooth
kim and i are going to finish what we started so we can battle it out with steven & chris' band
i totally just lost my train of thought.

i think i might just be undeniably addicted to twitter,
as stupid as it is.

i'm going to go to the grocery store for ingredients for a wonderful salad,
i feel like i've been eating like a beast who doesn't give a shit,
but i do give a shit.
i want to be healthy.
i'm also going to go get some ice cream which cancels out the fact that i want to be healthy.
that's just great.
i'm on contradiction mode.

Life as we know it is decaying,
there is very little love in the air.
i'm glad i got a piece of it before it's all gone.

this is what i get when i listen to This Will Destroy You on a Sunday morning.

The party's thinning out for the late crowd

Sometimes I wish he was still here to write me,
I wish he was still here to tell me that he loves me and there's nothing to worry about.
To ease me when I'm stressing,
and to guide me through it when I'm lost.

But then I realize how much stronger I am without him,
and how I can tell myself those pretty little words to make it through the day.
I never needed him,
I was just too use to finding the easy way out...

this week's theme was all about friends.

It all started last Saturday when I got a phone call from Adam,
I wasn't that surprised when he called cause we usually talk on the phone.
But I was definitely stunned by what he had to say.
He started off slow,
reminiscing how much he missed the time we spent together,
it got me thinking.
Then he started explaining to me how he feels like I seem as if I'm better then him and all the others cause I don't drink or smoke anymore.
for the record, that has NEVER crossed my mind.
He reassures me that, no matter what he'll be there for me and all he can hope for is the same from me,
I gave him the assurance that I don't think I'm better than any of them,
I'd defend them to the grave no matter the circumstances,
and that being busy is no excuse for my absence.

That needed conversation sparked the beginning of my themed week unintentionally.

By Sunday I decided to stop debating when and how I would send a letter I've written to an old friend.
I did it the generation X way,
scanned it into my computer and sent it to her through an e-mail.
I started having my doubts when I didn't get a reply back and by Wednesday night when I found out she had read it and did nothing about it,
I was starting to believe what everyone said, the comments about her changing into a completely different person, her not caring, and the reasons behind why others gave up on her started to sink in.
I gave it another twenty four hours,
and just a few hours before midnight I got a reply back to the long a waited e-mail.
I'll admit a lot of tears were shed from all of it,
and I felt like I couldn't wait.
I had to get an immediate reply,
so I reached her the only way I felt comfortable with.
Through AIM,
a little more impersonal,
fast,
and it definitely got the job done.
I was always a better writer than a speech kind of person.
We talked it out,
and to be honest I didn't know if it would work,
if it'd feel the same.
I don't think I'd know for sure until I actually see her,
but for now...
This will do.

On Friday,
I asked my group of friends out for a talk.
Something that has been bothering me ever since that falling-out with a certain group member.
I learned a lot from the fight,
I learned who I gave so much trust in didn't really deserve it.
I learned that sometimes good intentions just aren't so good.
We talked everything out and decided to give it another shot,
we cared about each other far too much to just let it go.

Just today,
I finally saw Kim after what seemed like a decade (which in reality was only a little over a week)
We talked about how her mom thinks we're gay because we spend so much time together and pondered what other people thought when they read about 'how much we miss each other on our tweets.
We just can't really help it,
we're almost conjoined at the hip,
but regardless, we're not gay.

On the same day,
I finally got to see David and Sara.
It feels like a year since I've seen them,
but it's refreshing to see old faces and to catch up with cups of warm coffee.
Lastly,
I bumped into Sean while at Starbucks,
we didn't get to talk much, just asked the same ol' questions.
I really believe that there isn't enough hours in a day now.
Unfortunately, I just can't do anything about it. :\

This week was about friendship,
this week made me realize that as long as we try we'll make it through the end.

je suis très perdu

it's a horrible feeling
when you see people you care about fall right into a ditch and do nothing about it.
i feel so empty,
i guess what i'm trying to say is...
i don't know how to help.

you win some, and then you lose some.

I'm having an amazing week,
well for the last week at least it's been great.
except for this cold I'm trying to get over,
I just hope I don't speak too soon and jinx it.

Yes, I have finally gotten the Polaroid Land 100!
I can't wait to use this beauty.
In two weeks hopefully I'll get the One Step and 210,
and test those babies out.

That's it for this short update,
I need to finish my plate load of work.
Have a wonderful day.

coward.

You make me sick to my stomach.

is it weird that i choke up every time i see 'where the wild things are' trailer?

Longboarding nowadays are routine,
my Waimea is being put to good use.

Not much,
learning, living, && breathing.

Today,
will be my first attempt ever to ask for this special guy's number.
I feel like a little school girl;
giddy, nervous, excited, and a bit nauseated.
I'm glad I have all my friends to support me,
and force me into it.

Thank you friends.

09.09.09

It was harder than usual today to not open up a bottle,
or light up a cancer stick.
I wanted to,
oh so very badly it.
It took everything in me to push it to the back of my mind,
but I'm still clean,
so it must of worked.

I heard his voice today,
he called the wrong number.
It was awkward and short,
just the way it was suppose to be.

I watched Saosin play at Pacsun on Labor Day,
I have to admit, it was more amusing then it was musically entertaining.
If you were there you know what I mean.
There lead singer Cove Reber,
he's no longer the shy guy I use to see when he first joined the band.
No, his confidence seems to leak out of his ears,
maybe it's too much,
or maybe I'm just use to the shy guy he was.

There album is only a six out of ten to me,
it seems all too generic for me.
I mean there were high points in the record,
but I just expected more you know?

That's all I have for today,
maybe til another time we'll try again.

The shoreline calls the sea
for simple words and company.

i think i just found some time to breathe.

i've been feeling overwhelmed for the past week or so,
fall semester just started,
and life now just seems so rushed.
i miss the easy days of summer.

i realized so many things in these couple of days,
people change and even though i want to hold onto them selfishly and ignore the problems.
it's not fair to either of us.
there are bigger things out there for us,
one of us had to make the move.
it just so happen to be me.

i truly understand what people mean when they say love and embrace imperfections.
you can't replicate the exact same imperfections,
which makes them all so beautiful.
and besides, there is no perfection in this world
so why worry about something that is nonexistant?

all seriousness aside,
music is coming along great.
kim & i have been rehearsing a whole lot.
can't wait for the battle of the bands.
ooh,
and Greek season premier was on last night.
that most definitly made my day
and not only that it justified a new school year.
:]

I really wasn't going to blog today...

all I could wrap my little head around today is wanting to get away...
snuggle up in my purple comforter in bed with an open view and sip on hot chocolate as it rains,
i miss the rain so much.
no part of me today wanted to be out in the Southern California sun.
i think i'm ready to move on.

in twenty-three short hours,
this summer will only be a memory.

I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightening bugs

I need a break..
Slowly but surely I'm going to do exactly what I did last fall.
The worst part of it is,
they have no clue it's coming.
But I need to do this for myself,
I have to stop drinking, smoking, and partying.

I really hate that every single time I get to talk to you,
we end up fighting.
We always have good intentions,
but it never ends up the way we want it to.
The 'how are you's' seem so much less genuine nowadays,
it makes me sick to my stomach,
and wonder how'd we get that way?

I really don't want to jinx it,
so I won't say it.
But there's something I'm extremely excited for,
and all I have to say is...
Everyone's going to be in for a surprise.
You know what I'm talking about Kimm!
:]

I am very much in love with As Tall As Lion's new album...
It really sets the mood.

you destroy what you create...

I'm not going to make this one very long,
even though it's been quite some time...
It's just been a fairly long day,
and I'm still trying to keep positive.

Big Bear was filled with drama,
'Real World Big Bear' style,
but the good weighed out the bad.
And that's the end of the story for that...

Since the trip I've been going to bed fairly early,
but for the past couple of days I haven't really been getting any sleep at all.
These dreams keep me up at night,
and it's driving me insane.
I try to ignore it,
push it away,
and bury it deep inside...
But it just won't go away.

All I could say is the fact that I really can't get it out of my mind.
How my 'front' is wearing thin,
cause there's this one person who always manages to catch me when I'm putting my guard up.

I don't even know,
it's even hazy for me.

you have no clue how impossible you are and how much you can manage to push me to the edge...
but yet, i still love you.
I still remember when you told me this...

it's been a while...

After a long time of seeing many things through hazy eyes and an unclear mind,
the storm is finally over.
I still can't write like I use to,
it's like all my inspiration and creativity went right out the window...
But once again,
I think it's just one of those creative droughts.

It's been a while since I've written here,
I've been trying for the last week.
But then something always comes up,
or I feel like I'm just not ready to blog about what just happened,
I needed to let it simmer down.
I guess now is the perfect time,
so brace yourself for a long update.

Let's start with last night,
after watch The Knowing (a ridiculously lousy movie) with the guys
we had a brief conversation about 2012.
I personally don't believe in it at all,
but Chris did point out some fascinating points he watched on the Discovery Channel.
I won't go in depth about that,
cause Specs apparently has a whole blog dedicated to 2012.
So I'll just leave it at that.

Over the course of last week,
I had numerous deep talks with just about all my friends.
It feels good to get to know everyone just a little bit more,
it's comforting to know how much I'm starting to trust again too...

The problems with the guys have finally become secondary,
with Spence leaving and seeing everything differently...
I think I finally got it figured out.
Before, I felt like I ultimately had to pick a path and just run with it,
but now...
I realized I'm better off just going with the flow,
and not expecting anything.
I also realized why I fell head over heels for this crush,
he reminded me of everything Spencer was on the inside...
I've been trying so hard to push the both of them away,
when it's just better to let myself crush and let myself get over Spence that way.
I've been wanting so badly to tell my crush how I've felt but the risk of hurting our friendship frightens me,
besides I like him better as a friend than anything else.
He's got his own issues to deal with and I still have mine too,
so for now I'm just going to be his friend, help him through his troubles as much as I can, and slowly move on.

Oh,
and this year I'm missing out on Warped Tour again because of Vegas.
Just like 04' there's a pretty good line-up for 09' but what can you do?
At least in Vegas I get to forget for a couple of days...

All the bright lights and company are not what we need.

It's been an emotional roller coaster for the past few days,
maybe it has to do with me being sick or something...
I'm not sure.
But it's something.

I've been going back and fourth since I've talked to him,
I'm not so sure as of right now if I should take his offer and just go down to Louisiana for those two weeks.
Or if I should stay here and move on,
cause I know if I do go down there I'm never going to move on.
Then again,
this time it's not about me,
it's strictly him.
I wish this could just get a little bit easier...

On a lighter note,
I ace my sign final!
That took a HUGE load off of my shoulders.
Also, getting over my crush is much easier when I get to see him,
Vee was right.
I just wonder if he knows...

And Adam,
I love you, I love you, I love you!
You never fail to keep me on check and make me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside even though I'm as sick as I have ever been.
Thank you for the soup, the flowers, and the love!

I seem to have lost what i never thought I had anyway.

"Everybody has problems. Everybody has bad times. Do we sacrifice all the good times because of them?"
Adam asked me repetitively for the past three days,
and I think I could finally answer him.
'No.'

Something hit me hard yesterday,
I've been an emotional, stressed out wreck for the past week or so because of this one boy. (and other various things going on in my life)
This one boy who has no clue that I like him,
he also has no clue that I'm trying extremely hard every day to get over him.
But like I said, I came to a realization that all this moping around and being sad over him will not change a thing.
His heart will always belong to his ex's and I'll just be making excuses for him day after day if I didn't get out of the loop.
I lost so much of myself when I got caught up in this situation I put myself in,
and now it's time to center and clean the bad out of my life and move on.
I want to be able to look him in the eyes again and pretend none of this ever happened...

And thanks again friends,
for being there every step of the way.
Without you guys I don't think I would've gotten that break-through as fast as I did.

i'm in too deep and i'm trying to keep my head above waters now...

it doesn't get any easier from here,
and it's just going to be a constant uphill battle.
i know...
but that's not going to stop me from trying,
no...
not until the day i die.

thank you friends,
for protecting me from what i want,
because what i want sometimes is really just not that good for me.
and thank you guys for putting up with my weird, complicated, irrational moods on crushing.
i know you probably don't realize it,
but it means the world to me...

as the number of days get closer to the deadline,
the more stress i am.
that is exactly why i don't deserve to like another person,
when i myself can't even get my own shit straight...

it's getting warm sunshine, please tone it down a bit.

Kim, everything will be okay in the end.
Just know that I'll always be there for you,
and you're not doing this alone.
We're in it together.
:]

The party on Friday had me extremely stress,
and it wasn't until the end of the party when everyone left that I had a moment to relax and breathe.
I realized how UGLY it is when people are drunk.
How all the ambitions they had goes out the window and how ignorant they seem.
This just motivates me not to drink anymore,
so 'thank you' drunks for making me realize this fact.

Speaking of thank you's I really want to thank my little sisters for helping out that night,
you guys are troopers.
And to all my friends who made it and others who were turned away at the door.
I apologize for the stupidity of the bouncers and the flawed system,
I promise if there's a next time for these kind of shindigs you guys will not be turned away.
Oh! and thanks for the tips Anthony, Fag, and I'm sorry but I forgot your name

I met a couple of guys at the party who made me realize how much personalities count in a person,
and that, that's probably the most beautiful thing one can have.
Too bad I didn't get the number of the boys,
it went all way too fast.

I'm pooped,
and I need to get some work done.
:]
Adios.

jealousy is an ugly beast with horrible insecurities.

selfishness.
I admit that I am a culprit at times of being selfish,
I'm only human but at the same time I am learning.
Every time I catch myself being selfish, I loosen my grip a little and think about other people around me.
How I could share whatever it is that I have with them,
not to feel better about being a little less selfish or to expect anything back(cause trust me, I learned early on that expecting anything back from anyone; is just not worth the ups and downs of it.)
But instead, I just want to share my good fortune with anyone who wants it.
When we hold on tight to all our material things and our love for one another; It won't matter in the end cause we'll all be six feet under sooner or later.

And now,
moving on to jealousy.
I don't believe that I've ever been a very jealous person,
I can almost say I've never been genuinely jealous of anyone or thing.
I think it's a bit silly to be honest...
Why would I want to live my life being jealous of another person when I could live achieving what I was busy being jealous about?
There really isn't a point to it,
people live out there lives being jealous of another person or hating and pittying themselves for what they don't have.
Why not go out there and earn it for yourself?
Whatever you get in the end will no doubt make you feel better than living out your life being jealous of what you don't have.
You know what's the most ridiculous thing out of them all?
When someone's significant other gets jealous because they're spending more time or what not with one of there friends or whatever it is.
It annoys me to death!
I don't know how many times I heard,
"man, I'm sorry I haven't hung out with you in a while my girlfriend thought I was spending too much time with you." orrr "dude, I couldn't hear the end of it. She thinks I spend to much time with you."
Can't your boyfriend or girlfriend have a LIFE away from you?
Or is it always, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!?

Anyways, got my LONGBOARD!
Went to the beach on Saturday and fell off my longboard.
(I knew I was going to fall.)
Came out standing up and that's all that matters.

Party this Friday night at Steven's place!
Message me for details!
:]

i told you we can be dino-saursss!!!

There's not much going on,
it's routine, almost.

Finally resolved what was bothering me for a year,
out of the way.
And it feels like I can breathe again,
like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
It feels nice,
and now I'm content with where I'm at with my relationships.

Getting my Waimea baby on Thursday,
it just puts the widest smile on my face.
Haven't looked forward to summer like this,
ever.

Spent 280 bucks on one day,
for a mother's day present and dinner with madre, brother, and friends.
Insane.

When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth.

my weekend was filled with things to do,
but nothing extremely interesting but none the less very notable.

To start off,
I had two very different guys who weren't my type at all hit on me,
two days in a row.
I don't know what to say,
'thank you?'

The highlight of my weekend was having a spontaneous luncheon with Kim,
she always knows how to bring out the spontaneous side of me,
and make me feel less dull.
She got a tattoo that symbolizes our sponaneousness, while I still need to get mine.
And we also need to find our next BFF so they could get there's,
hah.
:]

Adam tricked me into going to his place on Saturday to supposedly 'hang out',
turns out other people that I've been avoiding were there.
(You two probably read this,
you know who you are.)
It was awkward in my opinion,
but hell.
What do I know, right?

Sunday was extremely relaxing,
dinner with family.
Came across Kim and my potential BFF. (HAH!)
And another person that I lost hope in,
yet, today...
She got me to take a second look at the situation.
I don't know, a bit confused.

So much to think about,
and so much i don't want to think about.

If love is expensive then, i guess i am already deep in debt.

Everyone who knows me, knows i'm all for spontaneous moments in life
and acting on impulse.
But lately, I've been having to think about all the impulses...
Which I guess is not so much of an impulse if you have to think about it,
right?
From long boards skateboards,
nose rings,
hair cuts (like the one above, that i'm considering to get),
and taking certain people back into my life.
I've had to think about it all,
when if you talked to me a little over a month ago I would've had all of those things done by the time that idea had sprouted.

It's gotten to a point where it's ridiculous,
friends have to make an appointment with me two weeks ahead just to have lunch or whatever to catch up.
I really need to get my shit straight.
And to think that I was ready to try bringing some type of relationship into my already packed life,
I don't know what I was thinking.

Anyways,
I think I'm ready to take a big step into the future.
I have no clue where it's going to take me,
or if it's even going to take me anywhere.
But I know I have to do this,
I know I need to be the bigger person and get rid of this 'what if' once and for all.
Mend what is broken and move on from it...

Have a beautiful day,
So Cal today is actually cooler than it was two days ago.
Enjoy it, all you Southern Californian.

the Brits sure know how to make good music.

today is one of those dangerous good days for me,
the type that has me on the edge of my seat.
waking up feeling happy and warm inside.
it doesn't happen often,
and when it does there's a part of me that feels like somehow something or someone is going to ruin it for me.
i really have to stop being a worry wart,
it's not pretty.

tomorrow is surgery day,
as much as i don't want to do it,
i'm just glad i'm getting it over with.

today, i'm just trying to get things done,
so i don't have to worry about it for the next few days.

yesterday,
was beautiful. :]
my little reunion with elementary friends was much needed.
reminiscing of all the good ol' days,
and laughing at all the things christian and steven muttered up last night was one hell of a workout.
leaving clothing parties before it even started was a first for me,
let alone seeing the next big clothing company blow up before my eyes.
to say the least, last night was a success,
i don't think i've been so glad to hang out with old friends in a long time,
or laughed as much as i did in a while.

oh, and i heard a beautiful poem last night at the party,
i don't remember the name of the poet,
but i do remember the poem giving me chills.
it was invigorating,
like a cold shower,
and somehow it's making all literature today so much more prettier.

and lastly,
there's this guy i've only seen twice before.
a part of me has this weird anxiety when i'm in the same room with him,
only because i just can't seem to look past the little flaw he has.
but i'm working on it,
cause there's a stronger part of me that wants to get to know him,
he seems interesting and seems like a great guy to be around.
i just have to learn to leave my old douche bag ways behind me.

why do we try?

There's so much I want to say,
but yet as I attempt to write it all down.
I feel it slowly slipping away and I can barely remember a thing.

Just this weekend,
I went back to the things I avoided for months.
As much as I feel as if I really failed,
and as good as it felt to feel the poison slip down my throat,
I've realized that I am much more stronger than I had thought.
Finally,
the feeling doesn't haunt me as much as it use to.
Day three of being sober and it has never felt any better.

I've been stressing so much this week,
I feel like chaos has once again entered my world without warning and decided to stir up some trouble.
And then there are the tremors in my hands that I can no longer control,
which are driving me crazy.
I find myself not even noticing at times,
and when I do, I try so hard to hide it from everyone else in this world.
I'm getting so sick of not being able to feel free anymore,
like I'm constantly aware of the disorders that defines me now.

Now that Johnny and Kristen are gone,
Adam's going on another back packing trip across the country.
While everyone else just kind of faded away to me,
I feel alone... sometimes...
Even though I despise admitting it.
I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone again.

At least I still have San Diego.

but they say, that fighting never solves it.

Johnny and Kristen are leaving tomorrow for Florida and that's the last that I'll see of them in a long time.
So, later tonight we'll dine and feast and drink our wine,
to celebrate the time that they've impacted me and everyone else.
I promise I'll get up and take a train to Florida to surprise the two of you in the humid hot whether.
Just promise you'll give me a place to stay.
:]

Counting down the days until I have money,
and anticipating surgery on the 18th.
Just dandy.

I realized I've made the same mistake twice.
I got too attatched to people,
to friends.
I told myself I wouldn't do that again,
but I did.
Unfortunately.
I cared too much for there well being when in reality they didn't even want me to care.
And instead I get the back end of that stick,
I'm glad that I have the boys and Kristen to bring me back on track and into my own world again.

It's just not worth it to care anymore.
And even if I feel like I have there best interest at heart,
I'm just going to bite my tongue and let them fall into the ditch.

you can't rely on other people to make you happy.

i want a fresh perspective,
of everything.
i want to be that blank pallet,
and every time for the past month or two that i've tried.
i have failed miserably.
i feel like an amateur of some sort because things seem so generic in my world right now,
and nothing is original anymore.

things have been going bananas lately,
i mean it's one thing when tuning your guitar and the strings snap on you and whips your hand,
but come on now!
i barely got them!
and then there's psycho bitches every where i fucking turn with there negativity.
drowning everyone in there pity.
GET THE FUCK OVER IT!
There's more important things in life then the shit that you're crying about right now.
ugh, it just makes me so fucking mad.
cause it's the same shit always over and over again.
so next time you go and throw a
hissy fit,
PMS fit,
or a withdraw from your fucking drugs fit.
take a second and think about how fucking lucky you are to be breathing right now.
UGH!
my rant is officially over.

maybe you're merely uncomfortable with uncertainty?

four A.M. talks,
spilling my guts out to a person who ultimately doesn't care,
isn't the way i like to spend my nights.
as much as i feel like i wasted it all,
and as much as i like to tell myself to give up on this person.
i refuse.
no matter how hard it gets,
i want to help him through his struggles,
because i know i would be nothing,
if i didn't have that support with me when i was battling through my own shit.

last night,
was jam packed with silly sing-alongs, Chipotle that gave me a horrible stomach ache, opening-up, trip down memory lane watching old videos, and rethinking my decisions.
i haven't really dissected it to the bone yet,
simply, because i just don't really want to and at the same time i feel like i have so much on my plate, it might not be worth it at this moment to do anything rash.
i mean it would be so much easier to just leave things as it is right now,
and pretend it doesn't bug me at times.
but then again,
i'm not the type of person to just leave things as it is,
it either has an ending or i keep the story going for as long as i live.
"it's a part of life, really." like my good friend Matt always says.

it doesn't matter,
i don't think i should stress over it.
everything will end up right where it's suppose to be in time.
so, for now i just have to sit back and let the chips fall where they may...
that's all i can do anyways.

"It takes two to make an accident"

The past few days have been a ride,
a good one.
With days like making red velvet cupcakes,
and riding vintage bikes along the beach-walk in Santa Monica; how can anyone complain?
And not to mention all the plates Kimm and I encountered.
We were literally plate-crazy yesterday at the beach and everywhere else,
(if you don't get it, it's alright. i don't expect you to)
hah.

Nordstroms finally got those Toms in-stock,
I needed a way to spend that gift-card and the Toms were perfect.
Too bad they only had it in solid colors,
but regardless the ash greys looked so damn good I decided to bring them home with me.
It was also very refreshing how every one of the workers I encountered today were so helpful and nice,
even the ones at PacSun where I got my first pair of Rainbow sandals!
Usually, the PacSuns I go to, many of the workers seem like they don't want to be there and they're extremely unhelpful too.
But maybe because I was in Costa Mesa or something,
but everyone had smiles on there faces and couldn't wait to help.
:]

I still need to break them in,
because they are extremely uncomfortable right about now.
I can't wait until they feel like Johnny's,
his are the most comfortable things ever!

Anyways,
can't wait til this month is over.
March isn't doing it for me,
and hopefully April will be much better.
Especially since I know I'll be closer to my longboard as next month comes closer,
that just puts a smile on my face.

it only takes one person to change the whole game...

there are days where I feel like giving up,
letting go, and that i should stop dreaming.
and then there are days like today where i just don't care,
i want to be in and out of a place as fast as i can and then go home and hide in my bed under sheets of blankets.
(and that's only if i even work myself up to get out of bed.)
then comes the rare days,
the days that keep me alive and the days that put smiles on my face where i don't have to force.
days when i feel like there's hope and that the world is a beautiful place.
days that make me fear and wonder when it's going to get tough again,
those are the days that make my life worth living.
days where i refuse to let the demons rule my thoughts and my worries overwhelm me.
i wish there were more days like that...

our fate will become the ones of your loss and my relief.

the other day i bumped into an old friend,
he asked me the questions people usually ask when they haven't seen each other in a while and then asked why he doesn't see me around at parties and in the scene any more.
i told him i was done with my old habits,
and he laughed.
until he realized i wasn't kidding.
i told him that i closed the book on that chapter in my life,
and i just wanted to move on.
he looked at me like i was crazy,
and said he couldn't picture me ever turning my back on everything i once knew...
but i did.

now that i look back,
i think the move to a less extreme life actually made me more or less 'sane'.
sure, i lost a whole lot of people i loved and still love
despite the fact that we don't talk anymore.
and yeah, i'm not as creative as i once was...
but knowing that i don't need to rely on substances in my life anymore puts me at ease.
knowing, that at the end of the day what i wrote or did,
good or bad is based all on my clear decisions.
makes me feel more human and that's not necessarily a bad thing...

Oh the sun, bullies the moon

I've been reminding myself constantly of that very quote,
everyday for a very long time.
Cause even though I feel stuck sometimes,
it always seems to work out.

the uninspired drought is almost over,
and i believe the rain helped a bit.
:]
i wrote thirty-six pages in three days,
i was a bit in awe,
i just can't believe i'm still writing as if this drought never swept by.

spring semester starts today,
i have a class at 2:30 which i'm sort of grateful for,
monday's are always pretty dreadful for me,
sleeping in a little bit more makes a big difference.

i need to go get ready for my first day again,
so i'll update again at a more reasonable time,
and try not to do it every two weeks again.
adios.

&& since you're online,
check out slow club they're a pretty good indie band.
:]

pitter platter.

i've realized that all the answers are really just right in front of me...
seems like i've been running around in circles in search of them,
somehow, each and every single time...
i've over looked them.
this time around,
i just hope that i don't lose them again,
cause it took a hell of a long time to find them.

i'm so glad that the weather report says it's going to rain in these next couple of days.
i just hope it pulls through,
cause i need hope and somehow...
rain is hope to me.
i really don't know how to explain it,
and my poor attempts to explain things nowadays aren't getting any better.
i've just lost my way with words, (i'm not even sure if i really had it back then, but i know it was better than what it is now)
i feel like i'm rambling most of the time,
which i hate.
i have so many insecurities,
i don't want expressing myself to be one of them.

going jogging tomorrow after class,
i'm really looking forward to it for some strange reason.
after that dream i had of jogging for miles on end and afterwards feeling extremely happy,
i just need to see if it feels that way when i'm actually awake.
i'm crossing my fingers.
:]

rollercoaster.

I had the weirdest dream last night,
I arrived in some kind of huge theater getting ready to watch a movie (I couldn't remember which one)
then I realized there were many familiar faces in there.
all of a sudden I feel a nudge and realized it's some old friends I haven't seen in a while,
we were catching up in the middle of the stairs while people rushed to there seats until an usher came to tell us to take a seat.
Somehow we all scattered around and I just ended up taking the nearest seat closest by the stairs,
the lights dimmed and the curtains started to rise...
All of a sudden the section that I was sitting in started moving away from the rest of the other seats and we started moving on what seemed like a track around the giantic theater, it started speeding up and I gripped my handrest like my life depended on it before it actually started to get enjoyable.
Just as I thought that this wasn't all that bad I looked forward and the track broke off midway,
I looked around to see if this was only a trick,
but I soon found out it wasn't when everyone fell out of there seats and down to what seemed like a rectangular pool.
A baby was falling next to me as I desperately went to reach out for her,
I didn't want her to drown, and just as I grasped onto the little blanket she had wrapped around her tightly we fell into the pool,
but it wasn't anything I had thought, we weren't wet,
we didn't collide into the hard concrete either,
instead we defied gravity and floated as if we were in a body of water...
I didn't get to enjoy it,
because then I woke up...
And that was the end of my dream.

Now going back to reality,
I spent some time with Johnny this weekend. :]
Kristen went to Florida to look at some places,
I can't believe they're leaving me for Florida...
Anyways, this weekend was a reality check I guess,
Johnny told me that I needed to let my guards down and really accept people back into my life.
Cause lately I've been isolating myself as he likes to say...
Which I can't say isn't completely false,
but as for the accepting people back into my life?
I'm standing here with my arms wide open,
it's just that they're not making the effort to meet me half way,
that isn't exactly my fault.
*sigh*

On a lighter subject,
I went to a small little gig this Friday.
I saw it as a good time to write my paper on this show,
since it was cheap and I really didn't feel like going to a metal show on Saturday.
Turned out,
we ended up finding some good music.
Two noteable ones were Brightwood and Abandon Kansas,
so when you have time go and check them out.

And,it's funny how I'm such a spaz about germs
but yet, I'm attracted to all the boys who look dirty and who needs to shave.
hmm...

And I'll keep on running this never ending race

Slowly, just like the ballons in the picture,
i feel myself reaching up again.
ever so slowly...
but it's better than nothing.

as stressed as i am,
with just everything happening around me...
i somehow found a light,
this light isn't bright,
but it's good enough to help me through the times.
i know if given the same situation two years or even a year ago
i wouldn't of handled it as well as i am now.
i would've hid in the deepest, darkest, and the most hollow depth of myself
and just let the demons inside, eat me whole.
so i'm grateful,
and i'm just taking it a minute at a time.
through this journey i'll somehow find hope and something to fill that gapping hole...
somehow, i'll find it.

i'm obsessed and stressed with this mess

'I can't think of things
To write down, to type down
And these fingertips are moving faster than these lips
So you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is'

That's exactly how I feel,
maybe not the part where my mouth is jealous but the rest of it seem to be right on the money.
Even if i could write,
it doesn't seem to satisfy me.
Instead, I'm disappointed in myself cause I know I could dish some better things out.

When I woke up this morning I felt awfully vulnerable,
like anyone, (even people who don't matter) could get to me from miles away...
Then, I was walking to class this morning and I caught myself not knowing how to breath.
As if something so natural has turned into some kind of horribly long math equation that took a large amount of time to get.

I feel so out of beat,
as if I'm slipping from sanity...


HELP.

let's take a train and leave...

Yesterday was quite eventful,
getting lost in the big city with Kim
and listening to Kay Kay and His Weathered Underground as we roamed the city.
Althought it was a buzz kill and it did make us extremely tired,
I still had an amazing time.
The Hollywood tour was great on the open bus,
we got to kill two hours taking pictures of celebrity houses like tourists do and waving at random strangers.

After that, we went and watched Bride Wars.
It was a good movie and I recommend all the ladies to go watch it with there friends,
if you're looking for a good laugh and a bit of emotional overspill.
hah.

It's funny how when Kim and I go on our adventures we meet the most...
I guess you can say eccentric people in this world.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm glad we get to meet people like that cause it makes our trips more memorable and exciting.
A bit strange but still a great time.

Tonight is the Growing Feathers show that I stumbled across a few days ago,
it's perfect because for the Rock and Roll Music History course that I'm taking right now,
he wants us to write two papers on two different bands or singer/songwriter.
Therefore, we have to go to there shows take notes on how they dress, music, ect, ect...
This should be interesting on a count of it's my first time taking notes on bands.
:\
hah.

Until the next time,
I'll update you in this chaotic world we live in, from my point of view.

let me take you somewhere I can't explain.

I didn't think I was going to start off the New Year like this,
I mean, I knew it was going to be uneventful...

I needed it to be just another day,
because I knew if I gave myself the chance to sugar coat it and go out and party...
I'd never change and end up stuck in a repetition of failure.

So I preoccupied myself mostly with family,
and kept myself a great distance from friends.
(which is starting to be something I do quite often for some strange reason)

But knowing my family,
nothing is ever pleasant,
especially during a holiday,
somehow my mom always has a nag to go ballistic and everyone ends up unhappy.
It's quite annoying,
And people wonder why I'm not a holiday kind of a person.

Kristen gave me quite a scare when Johnny called telling me she got into a car accident,
I went into a small mental break down and I'm still trying to recover from it.
The fact of the matter is,
I really can't take another person so near and dear to me to leave me again,
I don't know if I'm strong enough to take it...
Luckily, she's fine just some scratches and bruises,
nothing major.

At times like these,
I really wished that my best friend or someone I could rely on was there to lend me a shoulder to rest my head on.
despite all the shit that he's put me through,
and how I believe that people will never change completely.
(because from experience, I know I still get extremely pessismistic at times...)

No matter how pure you are,
there is still evil in you,
it's just human nature,
and I forgive you.
I just want you to know that.
I forgive you.