why do we try?

There's so much I want to say,
but yet as I attempt to write it all down.
I feel it slowly slipping away and I can barely remember a thing.

Just this weekend,
I went back to the things I avoided for months.
As much as I feel as if I really failed,
and as good as it felt to feel the poison slip down my throat,
I've realized that I am much more stronger than I had thought.
Finally,
the feeling doesn't haunt me as much as it use to.
Day three of being sober and it has never felt any better.

I've been stressing so much this week,
I feel like chaos has once again entered my world without warning and decided to stir up some trouble.
And then there are the tremors in my hands that I can no longer control,
which are driving me crazy.
I find myself not even noticing at times,
and when I do, I try so hard to hide it from everyone else in this world.
I'm getting so sick of not being able to feel free anymore,
like I'm constantly aware of the disorders that defines me now.

Now that Johnny and Kristen are gone,
Adam's going on another back packing trip across the country.
While everyone else just kind of faded away to me,
I feel alone... sometimes...
Even though I despise admitting it.
I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone again.

At least I still have San Diego.