It's a New Year.

A lot of things have changed rapidly since the last post,
I think it's finally time for you to do some catching up.
Let's work our way up shall we?

I feel myself drifting further and further away from my "best friend",
I don't know what it is,
I honestly think she's just too caught up in her life now,
and to be completely honest I don't know how far this friendship is going to go.
I'm use to losing people in my life,
as sad as that sounds.
it doesn't bother me as much as I thought.
I don't even talk about it,
that's probably because the apathy is just eating itself whole.

My birthday is in a couple of days,
I'm finally turing the big 2-0.
Yes, I am a baby.
Among all my friends, I am the youngest
and it's strange to actually say I'm finally 20 when I feel like I've been 20 for three years now.

I am no longer in any kind of a relationship with Junior,
I don't even know if we can call our relationship a friendship either.
He wasn't my friend to start out with anyways.
To be honest,
I miss him a lot.
I miss laughing with him
and i really miss the fact that when I'm with him I feel like nothing in this world can touch me.
I don't even know how many times I've hinted to him,
how many times I've just wanted him to know that I do want this to work.
I don't think he gets the hints,
nor do I think this is ever going to work out.
Our timing is all wrong,
but then again,
my timing is always wrong.

cuddle.

Junior came over last night,
he brought over Iron Man 2 and vegan cupcakes from Natives which he knows I have a certain weak spot for.
we sat in my bed,
cuddled,
watched Iron Man 2 and Away We Go,
drank tea,
and ate cupcakes.
it was mellow and i loved it.

since the night before i slept at 3 in the morning,
and i had to wake up fairly early.
i knocked out in his arms half way through Away We Go,
i don't think he had the heart to wake me up in the middle of the night.
early in the morning though,
he tried really hard to be quiet but my bed is really squeaky so it's kind of hard.
i woke up and he told me to go back to sleep, he just had to leave cause he had to go home and get ready for work,
it was cute,
i felt like we were actually together.
just like that he was gone,
i miss him...
i don't want to miss him though,
but i really do. :[

chemistry.

i went on a 'date' yesterday with the younger guy and i have to say,
it was... different.
i've never been a date where i've had to drive the both of us,
nor have i ever been on a date where a guy touches my hair a lot.
he was very sweet and gentlemanly though;
opened doors,
told me how cute i was time after time,
got to know each other a lot,
but honestly...
the chemistry wasn't there.
i couldn't feel that spark,
and i definitely don't want to lead him on cause he's so nice.
i just need to find a way to let him down gently...

after the date,
went to the dollar theater in La Mirada and had a ball with Rhiannon.
The Town was super good,
and we stayed in my car where she listened to me rant till 2:30 in the morning.
i have so much love for that girl.

up until tonight,
i haven't spoken to Junior for a little bit more than a week.
i know i've said in the past that the chemistry between us wasn't all that strong but it's really grown,
he's my big teddy bear.

after the car accident,
i felt like things were really weird between us,
other than the fact that i didn't want to go see him because i felt like i was repeating history,
something was just off and i realized i was giving him the impression that i didn't enjoy his company.
i really do,
honest.
he's the most modest and sweet loving guy ever,
i know if he saw an old granny struggling to cross the street,
he'd probably run over and help her.
he's older than me which is a plus,
and taller,
and the fact that he can make me feel so damn comfortable is always a plus too.
he makes me smile,
not in a cheesy way but just really getting to know me and remembering little things about me.
he's coming over right now as I type,
we're having a movie date at my place and we're going to catch up on old times.
i sorta can't wait.

last thing i want to mention is the whole band guy thing...
Nick and Rhiannon made a lot of sense,
i really don't have a lot to lose except for the fact that they'll all think i'm weird and off,
but other than that i really don't have that much to lose.
other than that,
i don't really want to go into detail about it.

let's just say,
i just really want to fall in love with the right person.

is it silly?

i'm starting fresh again,
just like i did two years ago.
i need to leave all the baggage behind
and though i'm still not sure where i'm going i feel better than i did a week ago.

what i really want to talk about is kind of silly to be honest.
really silly.
i think i'm finally ready for that relationship that i've been wanting for a while,
but when the opportunity presents itself, right in front of me i push it away.
i have this really weird thing where i'm crushing on a guy that probably doesn't even know i exist,
as sad as that sounds,
i'm not going to sugarcoat it.

He's in a band, typical, but he's local and I've seen him a couple of times
live and well, i've bumped into him a couple of times too but that was a while back and i really didn't care much for him back then.
it was only recently when i saw a video of him singing, that's when the crushing commenced,
needless to say,
i'm a sucker for passion and he's got it, a lot of it.
well, i know it's completely silly and i'll probably never even come close to being his friend but hey, a girl can dream right?

the worst has yet to come,
there's this guy.
he's really sweet and he makes me smile like no other,
he brightens up my day and shows me all these bands he thinks I might like,
and texts me cute little things throughout the day.
my problem is one, he's a year younger than me and i don't dig younger guys at all,
second is, that guy i told you earlier about? the band guy?
well, let's just say,
i'm leaving my options open.
Gosh,
i'm a dunce i know!
i'm holding myself back for a guy who doesn't know i exist but if only he knows me,
maybe just maybe he might actually like me too?
*sigh*