mixed feelings.

I have to say,
I do a pretty impressive job of alienating people.
I was born a runner, (not literally)
when something doesn't feel right,
I run the other direction.
Lately, people-
to be more specific my 'friends' just don't feel right...

Ever since my best friend got with her boyfriend,
I feel less and less closer to her.
I don't know what it is,
but it just doesn't feel right anymore.
I want to give her space to spend time with her boyfriend,
but the more I give her space.
The more we drift away.
I've noticed that, that happens too often.
We were suppose to go to dinner tonight,
but you bailed cause you said you had to do someone's homework for the whole night.
Then on your twitter you post your spontaneous night,
it just makes me wonder...
what happened to the homework?

Can't people be like Kristen and Jonny?
I could totally get close with couples like them,
they literally don't act like they're together,
though you know they're madly in love with one another.
They never make you feel uncomfortable,
and there's never a quiet moment where an awkward moment could slip in.
I miss you guys sooo much!
Leave Florida and come back to California?
Cause I'm going a little insane here,
I need to surround myself with good company.

I try not to hang out with these boys.
they're great guys,
and they're the kind of boys I can call my own.
Though,
I push them away because I don't want to make it any harder for him or the others.

Don't you see my dilemma with all these people?

I feel a relapse coming,
I have an ace bottle of whiskey and a bottle of vodka in the freezer,
tempting beer, and chasers.
this would be easy.
Right now...
I just need some self control,
I just can't let my emotions take over.
I'm suppose to be a changed person.

carnival swing.

When I was a kid,
I remember whenever my parents took us to the carnival or a fair I would be the first one on this ride.
I loved the freedom and how I could see everything from up high,
I had not one worry in this world.
I long for that feeling now...

As I inevitably grow older each and every year,
I find myself fearing a lot more than I use to.
I guess having knowledge just means paranoia
and worry.

I don't worry so much about myself,
no.
I worry about things that I have no control over...

I fret about my parents a lot,
I worry about their safety,
I worry about them growing old,
I worry about losing them.
I feel like I just started knowing them,
losing them would destroy me.

I find myself exerting a lot of energy on my siblings more than I do myself,
I want them to grow up to be good people,
to protect them from the bad.
I want to help them succeed,
I want to believe that we'll only grow closer as we grow older,
and that they will need me as much as I need them.

Though, not as often do I get worked up over my friends as much as my family,
I find myself caring a little too much.
Ironically, I'm usually the youngest,
but I find myself playing the motherly role,
not because I want to but because that's just my nature.
I was forced to grow up and mature faster than all my peers,
I was taught that with one wrong move you can lose everything,
making one mistake can cause you to be thrusted into a spiraling chaos of a world.
I want to prevent them from going through that,
because I know how hard it could be.
I'm not the type of person to stand by and watch a person fall,
it's just not me.

Lastly,
I stress about my future.
I don't know what it holds,
I don't know whether or not I'll be happy or in pure agony.
I'm not even sure if I could find my place in this world,
to be truly happy...
I worry.

Some days are tolerable with all of these thoughts running through my mind,
other days I wish I could just stay in bed and let the world pass me by.
I wish I was young again,
so I can go back to the days where I could feel the wind in my hair, the freedom on those swings, and have the worries lifted off my shoulders.