carnival swing.

When I was a kid,
I remember whenever my parents took us to the carnival or a fair I would be the first one on this ride.
I loved the freedom and how I could see everything from up high,
I had not one worry in this world.
I long for that feeling now...

As I inevitably grow older each and every year,
I find myself fearing a lot more than I use to.
I guess having knowledge just means paranoia
and worry.

I don't worry so much about myself,
no.
I worry about things that I have no control over...

I fret about my parents a lot,
I worry about their safety,
I worry about them growing old,
I worry about losing them.
I feel like I just started knowing them,
losing them would destroy me.

I find myself exerting a lot of energy on my siblings more than I do myself,
I want them to grow up to be good people,
to protect them from the bad.
I want to help them succeed,
I want to believe that we'll only grow closer as we grow older,
and that they will need me as much as I need them.

Though, not as often do I get worked up over my friends as much as my family,
I find myself caring a little too much.
Ironically, I'm usually the youngest,
but I find myself playing the motherly role,
not because I want to but because that's just my nature.
I was forced to grow up and mature faster than all my peers,
I was taught that with one wrong move you can lose everything,
making one mistake can cause you to be thrusted into a spiraling chaos of a world.
I want to prevent them from going through that,
because I know how hard it could be.
I'm not the type of person to stand by and watch a person fall,
it's just not me.

Lastly,
I stress about my future.
I don't know what it holds,
I don't know whether or not I'll be happy or in pure agony.
I'm not even sure if I could find my place in this world,
to be truly happy...
I worry.

Some days are tolerable with all of these thoughts running through my mind,
other days I wish I could just stay in bed and let the world pass me by.
I wish I was young again,
so I can go back to the days where I could feel the wind in my hair, the freedom on those swings, and have the worries lifted off my shoulders.