Thursday was all about reunions,
well sort of.
I went to Riverside to see a couple of friends,
to my surprise it wasn't awkward at all...
It felt as if I let something inside of me go,
something greater than I could put my finger on.
It was nice.
Friday I took my brother to the LA county fair.
It wasn't as great as my friends said it would be,
the food and rides was over priced, the games were generic, and every damn person there seemed to be with there significant other.
Yesterday was extremely bitter sweet.
Spencer decided it was time he explained things and he wanted to spend some time with me before he left, so he picked me up and we went to Laguna.
The car ride there was...
awkward,
I looked out the window half of the time, humming to the songs he put on every so often.
He drove without a word, except for the occasional sing along line in the songs.
When we got to Laguna, we walked along side the beach for a while speaking very little, until we found a place that seemed pretty isolated and sat down.
I finally confronted him about why he wanted to leave and if it was really about me, knowing him he gave me the straight forward truth, which was refreshing cause I was finally out of the dark.
I mean, of course I didn't want to know that the reason he was leaving was because of me,
but at least I know where I stand.
He tried to explain but did a pretty horrible job with it,
let me tell you, he's not really good with words when it comes to defending himself.
I decided to change the subject,
cause it was going no where,
so I asked how he was handling the grieving of his grandmother.
I never did ask him when he came back.
I could tell it took a lot out of him to explain it to me and tell me how he truly felt, it sent shivers down my spine a couple of times.
When he finally broke down, I couldn't help but hold him awkwardly.
I hate seeing men cry,
it just doesn't seem right to me,
but yet, when the tears rolled down his face...
I felt his pain and his grievance for his grandmother and the love he had for her.
I just couldn't help but comfort him in anyway I knew was possible to make him feel better.
After the breakdown, we walked around a little more.
I felt closer to him than I did when he first came back,
I took his hand into mine and laced our fingers together knowing that it was probably the worst mistake I could make,
but at that moment it felt right and that's all that mattered.
We went to some restaurant by the beach and by that time I was already feeling sick,
I couldn't walk straight and everything seemed to be spinning.
We ate, it didn't make me feel any better,
and what made it sort of worst was when he started to talk about Mississippi.
When he started explaining how he needed to leave to get away from me, so he could have a clean cut off from me.
It started frustrating me, because if we were accepting our relationship as friends why in the world did he need a clean cut off from me?
It made me feel unwanted and unloved...
What frustrated me and confused me more was when he pulled out a pair of airline tickets out of his pocket and sat it on the table.
There was a choice.
A choice where I either swallow the clean cut off and accept the fact that he was leaving because of me...
Or
leave with him and start over as he likes to say it.
It's so like him to want me to drop everything in my life for him and run off into his Utopia.
But yet, it's so like me to want to run off with him.
A part of me screamed for me to say, "Yes!" and the other part told me to get up and leave, that we're not going there again.
I told him I'd sleep on it, and we left with me feeling worst.
I came to the conclusion,
that no matter where we are in our lives we'll still love each other, the same that we do now.
It doesn't matter the distance of where we're at...
And if I was meant to leave now...
I will.
We'll see.
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