get ready for some he said, i said.

I don't think I've called him since we've broken up,
it was him always making the moves,
it was always him putting in the effort.
Now, I realize that it was legitimate for him to say he feels like I care less,
not that I do...

He sounded startled and pretty delighted that it was me (I'm guess).
I asked him how was his day,
"Pretty boring..."
He asked me how my day was,
"Pretty good..."
You can see it was going nowhere really.

So I said,
"Today, I heard that a person I knew back in High School is in an abusive relationship with a friend I once knew... And I just want to say thank you for never putting me through that..."
He was quiet for a moment, finding the right words to say.
"I would never, ever lay a hand on someone I love." He then proceeded to chuckle, "It's silly for you to thank me for something like that, you know that nothing in the world could make me mad enough to ever lay a hand on a girl."
It was comforting to know that.

Now,
I'm confused,
I don't really know what to say or feel.
He was one of the best things that's ever happened to me,
he seems remorseful...
But I experienced first hand since I was a little girl of how it felt to be abandoned when the person you love lies to you,
and I don't want to experience it again,
not with him again or anyone else.
There's a part of me that tells that maybe this time it'll be the best part of our relationship,
and then another part is screaming at me and telling me I'm the stupidest person for falling for it,
and if I do fall for it I will only be contradicting everything I tell my friends and myself not to do.

As this battle goes on within my head,
the alcohol and nicotine urge is greater.
I'm stronger than that though,
I'm not going to let that be an outlet for me again to run away from my problems.